He Must Have Saved a Bundle on All Those Shirts

He Must Have Saved a Bundle on All Those Shirts

By Brunonia Barry

 

Inspired by Nancy Pickard's recent post on long-term relationships and a comment Elaine made about a conversation at a wedding last weekend, I decided to write about the ideal man.

I've spent a lot of time lately writing about him. I'm not talking about the man you're married to or the old boyfriend you've recently friended on Facebook, I'm talking about the fantasy man, the fairy tale hero. The Map of True Places was all about that man. A real fairy tale (with its requisite hero) was embedded into the middle of the book, written by a female character who found it impossible to create a happy ending to finish her story. There was a good reason for her failure. From her own experience, she realized that these men and the happily ever afters they promise don't exist.

Perfect men exist only in fiction or in our imaginations, and there are very good psychological reasons they should stay there, but I won't go into those now. Suffice it so say that if you think you meet one of these fairy tale men on the street, you should run for your life. Just as Barbie doesn't exist, neither does a real life Prince Charming.

And what if he did? I, for one, couldn't deal with that kind of perfection, because it would undoubtedly require perfection in return, something that isn't going to happen for me in this lifetime. But think about it. If you had the perfect man, how long would the relationship last before you grew bored? Give me a man with a few human flaws, and at least I can try to fix him. But that's a post for another day.

Today, I don't want to talk about real men, I want to talk about our fantasies. While writing The Map of True Places, I challenged myself to come up with a fairy tale hero who would suit a modern woman's jaded sensibilities. Now, you may think that's an easy task, but I'm telling you, it's not. Make him too nice and he's sickening, too handsome and he's competing, too tough and he's threatening. So how do you create the right balance, something that works for (almost) everybody?

Let me describe the character I created. His name is Hawk. He's a rigger on a tall ship and works on the side as a carpenter. He has an advanced science degree, but works with his hands. He is sensitive and poetic, but he is not above hurting someone, if necessary, to protect you. Oh yeah, and did I mention that he looks like George Clooney?

Now, I'm not a writer who usually describes the physical attributes of my characters. I might write that someone has red hair or a limp, but I leave most of the creative character descriptions to the minds of my readers (which leads to some great arguments at book clubs). So it was odd for me to describe my modern fairy tale hero in my latest book, but it was absolutely necessary to the story. And hey, who doesn't like George Clooney?

Hawk might not be your perfect man, but he was perfect for my novel.  Still, creating him was quite a challenge. It has been several decades since I made a list of the attributes of my personal Prince Charming.

The last time I did, I was 29 years old and working at a Hollywood studio with several other single girls who were all suffering through varying degrees of dating anxiety. One day, in the name of creatively visualizing what we wanted in order to manifest it, we decided to write down those preferences and hang them on the bulletin board where we could see them every day.

We thought it would take the afternoon (it was a slow day at the Studio), but the rule was that we all had to agree on each of the qualities, or they wouldn't make the list. It didn't take us a day. It took us almost a month. Here are the ten qualities of the perfect man written in 1979 by women who ranged in age from twenty-four to twenty-nine: 

Six feet tall or greater.
At least a year older than me.
Looks directly at me when he talks.
Must have money
Or at least a job.

Educated
But not necessarily working in his chosen field, maybe does  carpentry on the side. Preferably without a shirt.
Looks good without a shirt.

Likes foreign movies
doesn't complain about subtitles
doesn't watch porn

Reads poetry, but not too much.
 Handsome but not pretty.
Owns a car. (Note: this should be a subset of #4, but many of us had moved to LA from New York, and so had the men we were dating. Some of them didn't even have driver's licenses.)  
GREAT in bed. 

We all agreed that this last quality was by far the most important and probably should have topped the list, but we were writing with a permanent calligraphy pen, and there was no revising.

When I recently showed the list to my husband, his only comment was: "Of course the guy had money, he obviously saved a bundle on all those shirts he didn't have to buy."

Every one of my friends from the studio has married since, some more than once. I'm sure their new lists would look very different. 

So tell me, what would you put on your list today? Has it changed over the years? Is there one characteristic that you always longed for in a partner and didn't get? And guys, feel free to create your fantasy woman. Today, everyone has a free pass to ask for anything. No judgments allowed.