5 awesomely bad book publicity stunts for Finding Mr. Brightside

Getting people to care about stuff is hard. Getting them to care about your book? Haaaaaard, oh, MAN, it’s so hard. Not that I’m complaining. How could I when I’m so busy planning the below awesomely bad book publicity stunts for Finding Mr. Brightside?

In fact, if these ideas don’t cannonball the FMB paperback straight to the top of the NYT best-seller’s list, then that makes a lot of sense ... but it ain’t over till the guy dressed up in the foam book costume sings outside of Barnes & Noble (see idea 2).

1. Challenge readers to a game of “Strip Author,” whereby every time they buy a copy of Finding Mr. Brightside, I remove an article of clothing.
Pros:
-Shirtlessness sells—gawk no further than Channing Tatum!
-No such thing as bad publicity (?)
-I’ll still respect myself in the morning
Cons:
-Would need to layer up to prolong the inevitable, and I get hot easily
-Are my abs more Magic Dork than Mike?

2. Dress up in a foam book costume and flag down cars in front of bookstore. Dive or sing if necessary. Something like: “Come take a ride with Finding Mr. Brightside. Then let me teach you the electric slide.” This sounds more like a rap, but stay tuned.
Pros:
-Everyone loves a gimmick made of foam and paint chemicals
-Has Pitbull cameo written all over it
-Good karma from other books sold besides mine
Cons:
-Turning myself into possible hit-and-run victim
-Potential to be arrested and charged with Unnecessary Self-Embarrassment in a Public Forum

3. Lie down in grass, call someone important at my publishing house (e.g., the directory robot lady), and talk loudly about the importance of grassroots marketing.

Pros:
-Strong word of mouth
-It’s all about networking, baby
-Vitamin D if the sun’s out
Cons:
-Ants in pants
-Possible spider sightings
-Feels like it’s been done before but the author didn't utilize the grass/grassroots irony in a blog

4. Increase how fast I talk, wear glasses, and pretend I’m a cousin of John Green—the fact that we’re both authors is just a crazy coincidence, it’s like The Parent Trap all over again!

Pros:
-Who doesn’t love John Green’s mysterious cousin?
-Industry types will respect me for keeping this quiet and trying to make it on my own first

Cons:
-May eventually require John Green's cooperation
-Swirl of controversy and televised cousin-confirming blood test may overshadow the book itself

5. Create no-budget Vine videos with my mom to reach an untapped market of "readers" who just happen to be taking a break from books to watch videos over and over again, as if in a trance.

Pros:
-Proven mother/son track record that dates back to grade-school candy sales
-Four words: Mom’s Cousin Itt impersonation
-The kitchen sink doesn’t fall far from the tree, and Mom and I can take turns throwing it

Cons:
-Logistics: Mom lives an hour away and won’t travel in snowy weather, … as well as most other types of weather
-Already tried this with minimal interest on the part of Vine viewers

What about you, my friends? Got any awesomely bad publicity stunts for me to try? I'm all ears underneath this foam book costume.

Yours allegedly,

John Green's cousin, Jay