A Different Kind of Freedom
It is said that to grow old in poverty is the worst of all fates. Certainly a kind of abject poverty 
with no food, shelter, or care whatsoever is appalling and offensive to humanity. But there is another kind of poverty that might actually be a step into an eldership of freedom and service. My father-in-law, Robert Elliott, once said, “Real security comes from knowing how to be poor.” I find myself facing that particular path at this stage of my life, partly out of choice, partly due to circumstance.
My conditioned mind has been at war with my essential nature for fifty years. Early in my twenties I was attracted to the simple life as exemplified in Zen and Catholic monasteries. I was not a fan of Catholic dogma but the simplicity and dedication of the lifestyle of a monk such as Thomas Merton was appealing to a deep part of me. Zen was even more attractive due to the absence of dogma while living the same sort of discipline.
However this simple, unassuming, and natural quality that was stirred by such images had no chance for fruition when faced with a conditioned mind that was firmly in place by my twenties. I graduated university as an engineer and went directly to career, marriage, and the start of a family. A natural step you say? Perhaps. But it was a step taken, not as a conscious choice, but as the path of least resistance; the road most traveled; the easiest way.
Even at that age, however, the inner Self was not without influence. Within four years I left my career and went to graduate school in Theology. Immediately the conditioned mind counter-attacked by leading me into a middle-class position as a clergyman with the American Dream very much alive and in control. Back came the essential Self and I was miserable until I quit ministry and went into private practice as a Therapist. Back and forth the battle raged, never letting me completely out of the rat race nor completely settled into a career and earning power. I kept trying to live a middle-class life while avoiding the career and income necessary for such a life. It’s been an amazing life and I have no complaints, but there are consequences.
Now I reach my seventies and am forced to acknowledge that the remainder of my life will be lived in what my society calls poverty, an arbitrary designation that fits almost half of all elder citizens in this country. My social security income is minimal. The royalties on my books are modest. Together the two average about just below the so-called poverty level for a family of two. To what point am I sharing such personal information? Here’s the point:
I find myself finally able to respond in a different manner to the message of teachers such as Jesus. (Not the Jesus of the church but the archetypal Jesus as the True Self) Remember the story of the Rich Young Man? The young man asked Jesus, “What must I do to be saved?” (saved: live an authentic, whole, integrated, and natural life) Jesus responded, “Sell all you own and give it to the poor. Then, come, follow me.” The young man went away sad because he owned a great many things.
I have owned, and still own, a great many things. For fifty years I have compromised, accommodated, clung, and avoided the truth of my life. Now, as a result of the lifetime of choices that have brought me to this point, I am left with no remaining choice but to follow, for I am at the end of my ability to cling. I can finally take a “vow” of poverty and, without the ability to back out, move into a simple and unfettered life.
I am very grateful for the presence of my beloved Nancy who, instead of giving the natural spousal response of, “Well, screw that!” has actually taken the lead in helping us see the liberation and joy that lie ahead. A new, smaller place to live. A schedule of work, meditation, qigong, and rest. The absence of a multitude of choices. And the freedom of “…just another word for nothing left to lose.”
We have good healthy food, shelter, work to do, and people who care for us, so our “poverty” is relatively rich compared to the majority of the world’s population. But for people who have lived according to the myths of society for most of their lives, it is indeed a revolutionary self-understanding. One wonders, “Where are we going next?” And it also brings up the question: Just what does “preparing for old age” actually mean? Another ten or twenty years of the same old clinging, or a radical freedom that both Buddha and Jesus affirmed, that comes only from renunciation?
