When The Tears Begin To Rain Down #GriefConfessions #NeverGiveUp #KeepRowing
I’ve been out of balance this week. At first I blamed it on all my social activities back to back for ten days. As an introvert I need quiet Michelle time to recover, which I didn’t get until yesterday. And while that might be a factor, after a sneak attack of tears in the bathtub today I realized it was deeper than that. I’ve been highly emotional this week and while I’m a pretty sensitive person these feelings didn’t match up with the things going on in my life. I was edgy, feisty, and a bit mean to those around me. (I apologize peeps—thank you for loving me even when I’m not myself.) But this morning, crying in the bathtub I was able to unravel the culprit.
For 13 years of my life the 4th of July weekend marked an important date—mine and Chris’s anniversary. Tomorrow marks what would’ve been our 5th wedding anniversary. I tried to brush it off like it didn’t matter and I was fine with it. After all, I’ve beat my war on grief, right? I’m writing my grief book, kicking it down my new life path, and truly feel like I’m the best version of myself with every passing day. Sometimes I can be a little arrogant and overly self-confident. This is one of those times. There’s a quote that says, “Grief isn’t something you get over. You just get through it.”
Grief is like an ocean and once you get through the initial storm the waves calm but they don’t stop completely. You just learn how to ride them. This is tough. I’m at a place today where I don’t want to live in the past. I want to keep moving forward. And I want my next real life always and forever to start. One of my heart’s deepest desires is a marriage with someone who will be my life partner, best friend, challenge me, love my OCD tendencies, and help battle life with me. And in return, I want so deeply to be that person for someone.
When I have these moments like today it scares me. It reminds me that I need a compassionate person who will be able to help me through these unexpected grief moments. Then the wicked voices take over and shout, “Good luck with that. You’ll never find someone like that. He doesn’t exist.” Thankfully I’ve learned to tell those voices to take themselves back to the fiery pit they came from. It’s not always easy to do but thankfully God gives me the strength to do it.
Today is one of those days where I feel like I’m on a ship in the middle of the ocean. To the west I see the coast of my past and I love it, long for it, and yet know it’s a place I don’t want to return to. There’s nothing left for me there. To the east, I see the glistening coast of my future. It’s a place I’ve never been but from the sparkle of the sandy shores I know it’s the place I belong. It’s easy to let my boat float back to the west instead of rowing through the choppy waves between me and the eastern coast. But anything worth having in life isn’t easy and it takes work—and sometimes that means work you can’t necessarily see. It’s an inside job that takes lots of time, effort, and patience. Slow and steady wins the race, right?
It’s still difficult for me to understand how I can love my new life and yet miss my old one. How I can still love Chris but want a new partner in crime. My analytical brain has a tough time with that but my heart doesn’t. Maybe one day the two will reconcile or at least agree to disagree. LOL!
The point of my post today—grief, your loss (whoever or whatever that loss might be) is merely a small part of who you are. It changes you but it doesn’t define you completely. Sometimes you need to cry. Sometimes you need to laugh. Sometimes you need to feel all the emotions so you can let them go and sometimes you have to control those feelings so you can function. It all comes back to balance. Everything in life is about balance.
Remember to be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Keep rowing towards your next adventure. And never ever give up on your always and forever.
Oh and have yourself a safe and happy holiday weekend! #LoveHugsAndSunshine
