Ode to Bacon

If it wouldn't kill me, I'd eat it all the time. As a mostly-vegetarian, I fail utterly in the face of bacon.

I would eat it for breakfast, lunch, supper, and midnight snack. I would sprinkle bacon bits on top of my ice cream. I would dip it in mayo and wash it down with lukewarm, liquidified lard. I would rub bacon fat all over my body, especially my nipples, and dance naked in the moonlight, chanting to the old gods. I would wrap it around my shaft, like filet mignon, and run screaming through the mall, terrifying the consumers as they buy shit they don't need and whine about being poor.

I would have it in a great big pile, inside every single sandwich, and on the side of everything I eat, including bacon. Bacon with a side of bacon topped with bacon.

Golly-gee-whilickers, I love me some bacon!