I had to drop a project, and it sucked
Today, I had to do something I’ve only done once or twice in the past. I had to look at a project – give it a long, hard, gimlet-eyed look – and put it down. Push it to one side. Put it on the backburner. Whatever metaphor you prefer, I just couldn’t keep working on it.
This sucks. I’m a freelancer, for fuck’s sake. Work is what I do. I am as capable of saying no as I am of holding my breath for a full minute. It’s entirely possible, but I am going to feel a lot of pain doing it.
But this time, I had no choice. Through a combination of hideous planning and overconfidence, I have landed myself in a situation where I am very close to burning out. I have multiple book releases this year across the planet, including an audiobook version and foreign edition of TRACER, multiple North American release, and a worldwide release of a book in August. I have not one but two fresh books currently with my agent, one of which I’ve already received feedback on and need to tweak a little before we can take it to market – something I’m really stoked about, and keen to get to work on. The second book’s feedback is due soon.
In addition, because I am the proud owner of the world’s most horrible timing, I am currently in the process of completing an immigration application for Canada that is currently at 500 pages and climbing, and which is making grey hairs pop out on my scalp at the rate of about one every nine seconds. I’m also in the throes of a massive marketing push for my books, something I’d neglected recently and want to be much better at. And, oh: I actually have to do bill-paying work every day. The Outer Earth books paid very well indeed, but it all went into savings.
I’m not complaining. This is NOT a humblebrag “Look at me, I’m so busy.” This is me going, I have been very stupid and filled up the day with a thousand different things because I am incapable of moderation.
And what did I do this week, amidst all the fun of Canadian Immigration Schedule 6A800 and edit notes for a book and freelance projects and marketing?
I started writing a completely new book. Why? Because I’m a fucking moron. That’s why.
To be fair, it’s a book I’m really, really excited about. It’s my first stand-alone novel (i.e. one that I don’t plan to make into a series), and it has a KILLER concept. I like to do a very loose plan for my books, and so on Monday I started that off, getting a very rough idea of the story beats I wanted to hit and character names and things like that.
And today, I realised that I’d gone too far. I couldn’t plan/write this book and do all the other stuff. Not if I wanted to eat, or sleep, or see my wife for more than eight minutes a day.
So last night, I made a decision. I might love this project. I might be excited about it. I might be bursting with ideas. But I can’t do it. I’ll get to it eventually, but right now, it had to go.
And it hurt like hell.
And yes, I could say, “Fuck it,” and just plunge ahead. I’m 31, in the prime of life (or so I’m told), with no kids. I am of sound mind and body, give or take a few head injuries. I could just punch it hard and get it all done. I should. I owe it to a bunch of people to work my ass off. Parents, wife, readers, agent, publisher, editor. These people have all shown great and extremely optimistic faith in me, and I try not to let them down.
Except: no. Not gonna work like that. Mostly because I’ve done it before, multiple times, and it has always, always backfired. Balls don’t get dropped, but they’re a bit dirty when they come back down. Quality starts to suffer. As does my sleep, and my neck, and my back, even for short periods. That’s a bullshit way to live, and I won’t do it.
Creative people – writers, artists, musicians, whatever – are told to always work hard. We have it drilled into our heads from a very early age that we have to completely bust ourselves to achieve what we want. And that’s true. But what we don’t get told is when to stop. Nobody teaches you how to juggle multiple projects with a healthy, active life. Sure, some people learn how to do it very successfully, but it’s not a given. And a broad-strokes message about Working Hard To Realise Your Dreams can sometimes do a lot of harm, if it doesn’t come with the asterisk’d advice to not kill yourself doing it.
And once I realised that putting a project aside for a bit doesn’t mean abandoning it completely, it was an amazing feeling of freedom. I can come back to it when I’m ready. When I don’t have a million things breathing down my neck. If I was doing this halfway into a book, it’d be an issue – I’d lose all my momentum. But now, when I’ve just started? When the thing is only just getting going? It’s cool! No worries!
Dropping a project – and if you take away one thing from this damn blog, let it be this – means you can make the other stuff fucking awesome. You won’t be as prolific, but what you put out will have the benefit of all that extra attention. It’ll be worth it. I don’t like to give advice (honest), but Christ on a unicycle, that’s one nugget worth following.
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