Why I’m Like a Vampire
#1: I can’t come in
unless you let me in;
I must be asked to pass
the threshold
or I’ll just stand outside
in the rain.
#2: Sunlight hurts my eyes;
I don’t rise and shine,
I lose my mind because I’m tired
and then stay up all night.
#3: I don’t like garlic;
actually that’s a lie,
I fucking love garlic
but let’s not talk about that.
#4: I routinely drink the blood of virgins,
assuming virgins bleed beer
and cry strawberry tears,
which I’m pretty sure they do;
I don’t know,
I’ve never met a virgin.
#5: I’m probably immortal;
that’s why I’m so scared
of dying.
#6: Despite being probably immortal,
I will still die
if you put a stake through my heart.
#7: I hold dominion over wolverines,
break bread with bats
and liaise with the children
of the night.
#8: I don’t like mirrors;
when I was seventeen
and my mom went on holiday
without me,
I covered every mirror in the house
with a bedsheet.
#9: I could sleep
for a hundred years;
maybe I could even sleep
for longer.
#10: Society despises me,
and ignorant townsfolk
chase me with pitchforks
because they’re afraid
of the new millennium.
Bring me blood,
and lots of it.
