What We Can Learn About Relationships From A Hostage Negotiator

I recently read an article about a hostage negotiator that has significantly changed the way I interact with people. Specifically, I’ve become a much better listener and it now matters less to me that I talk or am even heard in casual conversations.

Photo Credit: Joe St. Pierre, Creative Commons

In the article, the negotiator talked about how important it was to listen to the hostage taker in a way that was not judgmental.

And he had to do it for real.

Even though the criminal might have been dangerous, treating him or her in a way that was judgmental would negatively affect the outcome of the negotiation.

What the negotiator had to do, then, was establish trust with the hostage taker. This was the only way the hostage taker would ever come to negotiate. He did this by listening and then repeating back to the hostage taker what he heard, making sure he got it right. No matter what the demands were, the negotiator was never supposed to let the hostage taker know they were extreme or abnormal.

The technique doesn’t work all the time.

But the percentages of people getting out safely are greatly increased, apparently, when the negotiator treats the criminal like a human.

I’m not a hostage negotiator, but recently on a plane I found myself in a conversation in which I was tempted to butt in and share my opinion before the person I was talking to had been fully heard. After reading the article, though, I stopped myself. Instead, I heard the person out fully then repeated back to them what they’d said, only in my own words. Then I told them how the situation they’d described would have made me feel if I’d experienced it.

What happened next was surprising.

I had immediate trust from the person and, in fact, they wanted to attend my next conference. I didn’t even tell them what the conference was about.

Here’s what I learned in the exchange: often the words we speak are only part of the conversation we’re having. The real conversation is about whether or not we think the person we’re talking to is worth listening to or important. And if we can communicate that, and nothing else, we are communicating something enormous and validating.

Here’s an idea.

What if we spent the next 5 days (mark it on a calendar, this will be fun) not presenting our opinions about anything, or at least keeping them to a minimum, and instead really tried to listen to and understand the people we were talking with? What if we turned up the empathy to the highest level? How would our relationships change? How differently would people view us? And how much stronger would our own positions be perceived coming from a person who was so empathetic and understanding?

After all, we’re all holding our hearts hostage, and we’re all afraid.

Maybe the key to getting somebody to open up isn’t argument but empathy.

Works for hostage negotiators.