Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray – A Summary

Lesson 1: Mr Fix It and The Home Improvement Committee

The most common complaint women have about men is that men don’t listen. He either completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he quickly assess what’s troubling her, and then offers her a solution to make her feel better. He gets confused as hell when she doesn’t appreciate it. She just wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions. Stop giving unsolicited advice, show compassion, and listen to your partner.

On the flip-side, men complain that women are always trying to change them. She thinks she’s caring for him, while he feels he’s being controlled. Instead, he just wants her acceptance. She presumes a man doesn’t know what to do and he can’t do it on his own. Men want to prove their competence by achieving things themselves.

You may have noticed by now that John Gray, the author of this book, tends to stereotype genders, ignoring the fact that people are unique regardless of their gender. We’ll discuss this at the end of the video.

Lesson 2: Men Go To Their Caves and Women Talk

Men and Women cope with stress differently. Men become focused and withdrawn whereas Women become overwhelmed and emotionally involved. During these times, Men feel better by solving problems while Women feel better by talking about their problems.

In times of stress, Men will retreat to their caves. He becomes quiet, mulls over a solution, and then gradually comes out of his cave. If he can’t find a solution, he will do something to forget his problems like watch TV or play a video-game. He needs space.

Women on the other hand feel better by talking about their problems. She wants to express herself and feel understood before finding solutions. A Woman will appreciate a man if he truly listens.

Lesson 3: Men Are Like Rubber Bands and Women Are Like Waves

A rubber band is a metaphor for the male intimacy cycle. Men get close, pull away, and then get close again. Men have an instinctive urge to pull away from time to time. This is commonly misunderstood by Women, especially when they try to share their feelings but their man pulls away. However, a man should at least reassure their partner of when they’ll come back.

A woman is like a wave. A woman’s self-esteem rises and falls like a wave. Men can get confused and frustrated, thinking that they’ve made her upset. Let’s return to lesson one, don’t give unsolicited advice during this time. Also after listening to a woman, don’t expect her to feel better straight-away.

Lesson 4: Scoring Points with the Opposite Sex

No matter how big or small a gift of love is, for a woman it scores one point. But in a man’s mind, a bigger gift means more points. Let’s say Danny raised his income from $50,000 to $100,000 dollars to support the family. To him that may be worth 50 points, but to his wife that’s only one point. Likewise, if he bought an expensive car for his wife as a gift of love, it would still be worth one point no matter how much he paid for the car. This can explain why men get confused when their wives aren’t satisfied. Giving your wife 2 kisses, 2 hugs, and a compliment could score you many more points than if you were to buy her an expensive watch.

Lesson 5: Speaking Different Languages

Honey, are you okay? “I’m fine…” so she says. She might be fine. But she might not. When a guy says he’s fine, he’s fine. “To fully express their feelings, women speak poetically and use superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally and misunderstand the intended meaning.” So what should you do? Look deeper. What is the underlying issue? Here’s an example.

Sally says, “The house is always a mess”. Sessel replies, “Are you kidding me!? I always clean the house, and before I’m finished you mess it up again!” This is a bad way of responding, because what she may really mean is, “I need to relax today but the house is messy. I’m frustrated and need to rest. You clean a lot for me but for today could you please offer to help clean up part of it?” Try and not to take everything literally, especially when emotions are running high, otherwise you’ll get frustrated.

Another example. Sally says, “You don’t love me anymore” but what she really may mean is, “Today I don’t feel loved. I know you love me, I’m just feeling a little insecure at the moment. Would you reassure me of your love?”

Don’t expect to be perfect at reading women straight-away. It takes time and effort to get to know how your partner behaves.

Summary:

Before you go, it’s up to you on how you decide to use this information. This book was published in 1992 by John Gray, who apparently has little credibility. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is rated 3.5 / 5 stars based 3,400 reviews and 114,000 readers on Goodreads.com, which is considered low on this website. In the day and age of the feminist movement, many argue that author is a sexist pop-psychologist who pigeon holes people into gender stereotypes, and therefore gives worthless advice. Whilst I do partly agree, that’s not to say we should ignorantly flush it all down the toilet. This book has genuinely helped me in my relationship. Regardless of your gender, here are 5 important points that everyone can benefit from:

Don’t give unsolicited advice
Understand people need space sometimes
Listen to people when they talk
It’s the little things that count
When someone is upset, don’t take words literally – try to understand the underlying issue

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