A ghost in daylight on a crowded street.
“You can’t fake quality any more than you can fake a good meal.” -WSB
I set these very high standards for myself, and constantly struggle to meet my own expectations. In one way, that’s good, because it keeps me motivated and prevents me from getting lazy or complacent. In another way, it makes it really hard for me to ever sit back and go, “Hey, I did a thing. Good for me.”
So looking back on the last week or so …
I’m not as productive as I need to be. I’m sleeping more, but not well. Nightmares are frustratingly common, even if I don’t clearly remember them when I wake up. Lots of snakes and floods. I have developed this generalized anxiety that’s sort of like a background hum in my life, and it’s getting so persistent, just ignoring the hum is starting to become a full-time thing. It’s exhausting. I am watching a lot of movies and TV, but I’m staying up really, really late and I’m not sure that’s particularly good for me. I’m reading every day, but not a whole lot.
I feel like I’m doing a lot of stuff, but I’m not getting anything done.
But I did make this dumb thing in gimp today, that is a thing where there wasn’t a thing before:
I took the source picture at Hollywood Forever Cemetery when Anne and I went to see the premiere of Outcast (it’s great and you should watch it). I was goofing around in gimp and with some filters, and trial and error, ended up with that image. I think it’s neat, like something that would be on a record sleeve, or a 1960s movie poster. If any of you who are clever and creative want to make something with it, I’d love to see what it inspires you to create.
The Niven Jazz Collection at the Internet Archive is phenomenal, and it was my soundtrack while I worked on this thing.
Oh, I had this realization: I’m creatively starving. So I know what the source of my anxiety is, and I know why I feel unhappy and frustrated. Now I just have to figure out what the thing to do is. Part of that incessant background hum is knowing that I can do almost anything, if I just do the fucking work, so I don’t know where to start.
But I have an idea … of sorts. So that’s a start.
newest »
I'm sorry to hear you're going through some rough times Wil. I just hope that when you're feeling down, you'll remember that people care about you, even people you've never met (which I admit sounds really strange) and that you are loved, and you'll always have your fans. Just remember to not set impossibly high standards for yourself, or you'll always feel like you're not meeting your goals. Celebrate the small successes, like getting a good night's sleep or finally finishing a good book. I don't know if you ever read these comments or not, but I hope that you do, and that you can see that your fans care about you. Depression and anxiety seem like impossible hurdles to jump, but you can do it, because you're stronger than you know. Keep being awesome :)
I think sometimes we also get caught up in the "figuring out what to do or where to go." Don't get me wrong, planning and having a goal is great, but when you feel stuck...sometimes just doing something (no matter how big or small) is what gets you out of the rut.You mentioned you've been staying up really late. Maybe working on going to bed earlier (i.e. 30min earlier every few days) can be that small thing you do that gets you moving where you want to be.
And I know that little thing isn't easy, being a night owl myself who continues to struggle with putting down the book, shutting off my brain, and going to sleep earlier. :)
All I know (from my personal experience) that actually accomplishing little or mundane things like going to sleep/waking up earlier or actually getting in that workout...that is what ends up getting me motivated to do the big things. I think it's because it gets my mind off of feeling stressed about "being stuck," and because I don't feel it as much, I'm able to not be stuck. If that makes sense.
I could ramble on, but it'd be repetitive and I'm sure you get the idea. :)
The picture looks spooky Wil. Great job on it! I recommend that you go to bed early too so you can feel refreshed the next day. Like I go to bed by at least 11 or 12 at night but can still get up at 8 or 9 the next morning ready to get some breakfast in me and ready to start the day with a smile.
I totally understand the seemingly unreachable goals, but keeping one's eye on the ball always helps me stay positive knowing everything I'm doing to save up is for the ultimate goals I have.
Hope progress is had for all who is looking for satisfaction of a job complete.