Thirteen Steps to Completely Disappearing from Life
“I didn’t want any flowers, I only wanted/ to lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.” — from “Tulips” by Sylvia Plath
“For love is held by a chain of obligation which, men being selfish, is broken whenever it serves their purpose.” — from “The Prince” by Italian philosopher Niccolo Machiavelli
Thirteen Steps to Completely Disappearing from Life
By Rosalind Guy
Step One
Love with all your heart.
Don’t hold back. Don’t
think of love as obligation;
think of love as a feeling, a kaleidoscope
of butterflies coming to life
or two souls reuniting.
Step Two
Accept that some people will tell you
they love you and not mean it.
They only need something from you.
Give them what they need, hoping they
will learn to love you.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Never get angry. Always forgive.
Step Three
Watch the butterflies of love start to die.
But don’t try to prevent their demise.
Because everything that lives must die.
And not every death will receive a funeral.
The butterflies will not be laid to rest.
Step Four
Accept that life is not fair. That you are not
one of the cool girls or popular girls. Don’t
try to understand why this is taken so seriously.
Life is not serious. And life is not fair.
So the privilege of fairness will never be yours.
Step Five
Spend a year sinking into depression hoping that
no one notices. They won’t.
Step Six
Take long hot showers. You’ve never been the type to
sing in the shower; you will cry in there now. Cry hard.
Don’t try to stop the tears from coming. There’s a hollow
space in your heart that holds years of sadness. The tears
are coming from there. Let them come. Your heart is breaking
and your soul is too. Let them break.
Step Seven
Cry at red lights because you can’t help it.
It won’t matter anyway. No one will ever ask
you what’s wrong.
Step Eight
Get real quiet. Don’t say a word. Don’t move. Hold
your breath if you must. Tighten the lid so no
feelings can get in and none can escape.
Step Nine
Stay in bed for days. Do not stir. But, if this
proves to be impossible, live in your mind.
Hide there. No one will ask questions
as long as you don’t show the signs they think
signal depression.
Step Ten
Imagine scenarios where you end your life. It’s alight.
You don’t really want to die. You just want to disappear.
When driving, imagine keeping your foot on the gas and
slamming into the back of that dump truck. Variety is
the spice of life. Of death too.
Think of other ways to die.
Step Eleven
Tell no one how you’re feeling.
They may feel obligated to talk you out of disappearing.
Step Twelve
You’re still quiet, right? Has anyone noticed? Do they
hold your hand a little longer? Do they keep you on the phone
a little longer? Have they sought you out just because?
If not, you can let yourself off the hook. Don’t feel guilty
about wanting to disappear.
Step Thirteen
Disappear. Walk away and don’t look back.
Some will look for you out of obligation. Remember,
love is a sort of obligation and that’s not what you want.
When you hear your name being called, don’t answer.
Just keep walking.
Peace & Love,
Rosalind
