I'm Too Sexy For My Niche: It's Complicated.

This is the one zombie story I'm ever going to write. It's not going anywhere. Enjoy.

                IT’S COMPLICATED                Aaron Besson     
       Sam hadn't seen another person for about a month now. He had hoped for a while that there'd be other survivors. However, between the total lack of any human presence on the internet when he could find a working computer, and no fires lighting the night other than his own, he had given up that hope soon enough. He had forgotten where he had heard the phrase "You don't know if you're the last man on Earth or not, you just are.", but it fit. On the semi-bright side, Sam had not seen any large groups zombies for a while now. The downside is, where ravenous running zombies are concerned ,all it takes is one.        Ralph (That was the zombie’s name, as far as Sam was concerned. He just looked like a Ralph.) had been chasing Sam for quite a few days. Having Sam as his sole prey seemed to give Ralph his motivation. Really wanting to not get eaten gave Sam his. Sam might elude the zombie for a day or two, allowing for breaks in order to get some rest. However when Sam went out trying to find supplies or someplace safe, Ralph would find him and resume the chase.
       At one point, Ralph chased Sam into and up a ten-story apartment building and onto the roof. Sam's choices being few, he ran and leaped to the roof of the adjacent building, barely avoiding falling down into the alley below. Sam saw that Ralph did not attempt to jump across. He just stood there, looking at Sam. Not really wanting Ralph to get the idea to run back downstairs should he attempt to find a way down, Sam stayed right where he was. So did Ralph. When he saw that Ralph really wasn't going anywhere as long as Sam was in line of sight, Sam realized he could relax a little. He had a couple bottles of water and some Power Bars in his bag. Not enough to survive a protracted siege, but hopefully enough to take some time to figure a way out.

            That had been three days ago. After some delicate experimentation, Sam decided he could actually get some sleep, and Ralph wasn't going to go anywhere. Sam spent the rest of his time considering his options, reading and re-reading a dog-eared copy of Robinson Crusoe he had found (It never really stopped being funny) and, having acquired somewhat of a morbid streak, talking to Ralph. He'd ask Ralph how he was doing, tell him how he was doing, ask Ralph's thoughts on the weather, if he would care for a Power Bar, read some from the book to him, and generally carry on a one-sided conversation. Ralph just stood there in his grimy bike messenger outfit and stared at Sam through all of it. "Talking to zombies was probably a sign of cracking," thought Sam, "and if it wasn't, should be."
       On this morning, Sam woke up from a light sleep on the rooftop to the sound of something landing near his head. Startled, he looked around in a panic to see where Ralph was. Ralph was still on the rooftop of the other building as he always was, however now he was sitting on the edge, his messenger bag opened and sitting next to him, and he was holding something in his hand. It was then that Sam saw the cell phone near where his head had been. Sam stood up, picked up the phone, and looked at Ralph. After a couple moments of staring at Sam, Ralph looked down at the thing in his hand and fumbled with it for a minute.
        The phone in Sam's hand vibrated. A message icon appeared on the window.
        Sam found himself forcing himself to hope that it was another survivor who just then tried to contact him through a phone that wasn't his, but he wasn't so far gone as to be able to deny what he just saw Ralph doing. He scrolled to the text feature on the phone and pressed 'enter'. The text read “hngry“.
        "Great." thought Sam. The zombie had enough brain function to toss him one of his cell phones and point out the bloody obvious. The day was off to a good start. Sam grinned. "What the hell," he thought, "I've been talking to the rotting bastard. A text conversation shouldn't be above me". Using the phone's keyboard, Sam texted back “Sorry. Can't help you“ and pressed 'send'.
       Ralph must have gotten the text, because he looked down at the phone. He then spent some time looking at it, then he looked back up at Sam, then back down again. His hand slowly fumbled over the phone again. Sam’s phone vibrated.
       “wht now.”
       “You're asking me?” Sam texted back, wondering where this was going, if anywhere at all.
       “hgry”
       “Bit of a broken record there.”
       “tireddd”
       “Sorry. At least you’re sitting.”
       “wat noww”
       Sam's shoulders slumped. The zombie was just running on autopilot, texting random immediate needs that his rotting brain could still process. What really concerned Sam was the realization he had expected more. "Nothing" he texted, and as he pressed 'enter' he wondered why he had even done that. His phone vibrated after a minute.
       “hng”
       “Too bad”
       “Who you”
       That was unexpected. Sam was about to throw the phone over the side and be done with this silliness when that text came in, a question.

       All the same, Sam didn’t want to be rude. “I'm Sam. What’s your name?”
       “yor nam”
       Sam, suspecting his conversation partner was about to put the needle down on a new broken record, took the bull by the proverbial horns and texted again. “Your name is Ralph.”
       “ralp”
       “Yes, you are Ralph.”
       “i rlp”
       “You catch on quick.”
       “i rlp yyu sam”
       Sam looked up from the phone to gaze over at Ralph. He waved at Ralph, at which point the zombie's free hand spasmed frantically in a waving motion on the roof's edge. Sam resumed texting. Best not to ask too much of Ralph's socialization skills.
      “Why are you still here?”
      “stil her”
      “Why?”
      “hngy”
      Sam felt frustration and anger growing inside him. Standing as close to the edge of the roof as he could, he absolutely lit into Ralph. "I know you’re hungry, you ass!" he yelled. "I've spent the last couple days on this roof because you're fucking hungry! My life consists of this roof, a Power Bar and a few swallows of water because you're fucking hungry! You know what? Tough shit! If you're so goddamned hungry, jump your rotting fucking carcass over here and do something about it! Come on Ralph! Leap of faith! I'm right here! Do it! I won't even run, scout‘s honor!"
        Ralph just stared at Sam for long minutes. Sam, drained after his outburst, sat down on the edge of his rooftop and started laughing. It was a laugh that scared him even though it felt so good. He felt the phone vibrate again.
        “wat funy”
        "Oh, this is too rich." thought Sam. He sent multiple texts in rapid fire, as if it made a difference to the dead thing across from him.
        “You. That’s funny”
        “You asking me what's funny. That’s funny”
        “Me telling you. That’s hilarious”
        Ralph looked at the texts for a long time, then fumbled over the keyboard again.
        “ralp tel u smting”
        Sam looked at Ralph with mock approval, then texted back “Ok tell me something.”
        “Im scared sam”
        That well and truly unnerved Sam a bit. That was almost lucid. Sam looked across the space between them into Ralph's dead eyes. Ralph head was shaking slowly, his free hand starting its spastic drumbeat on the roof’s edge again. Sam felt the beginnings of a conflict inside of him that he had never known before, even before the world went to shit. It was so much less terrifying to think this was just a thing trying to eat him. So, so much less terrifying. He regained enough focus to text back “What are you scared of?”
        Ralph's hand fumbled over the phone. Sam could've sworn he heard a low moan as his phone vibrated.

       “Mme”
       That unnerved Sam further. He didn't think for one instant that this thing across from him wouldn't try to take a chunk out of him if he was close enough, but damn it if it wasn't making him feel pity for it. There couldn't be a God, this was too cruel. The phone vibrated again.
       “plea hlp”
       Oh God, don't do this.
       “scard sam”
       No no no no no
       “pea help”
       "Stop it! Fucking stop it! WHY DON'T YOU END IT, YOU FUCKING MONSTER!?" yelled Sam, realizing as soon as the words left his mouth that they weren't directed at Ralph.
       Sam dropped the phone on the roof, and started pacing, smacking his hands against the sides of his head, and started heaving with sobs. Eventually, he dropped to his knees and just cried. He cried like he never did when he saw a wave of these things running into his apartment building just as he was coming around the corner to get his girlfriend to get out of the city. Cried like he never did when his mother's phone never picked up when he called to see if she was okay, a phone that always picked up on the first ring. Cried like he never did when he realized that everything he had thought was his life was never coming back again. This was anguish, and he knew that this was as good as it would ever get. As the pain rode back down to a dull ache, he heard the phone vibrate again. He looked at it for a long minute. Then, he picked himself up slowly and retrieved it.
       “u ok”
Sam felt the tears coming back, then stopped.
       “Yes, I'm ok”
       “sur”
       “I'm sure”
       Sam sat back down on the edge across from Ralph and looked at him for what seemed like forever. He knew what he had to say, and it needed to be said. "Ralph,” He yelled. “I hope you can understand this; Just fall. Push off from the ledge and fall. It will be all over. You won't be hungry, you won't be scared of anything ever again. You'll be okay. Just push off and in a second it will all be alright, okay? You can do it, just push."
       Ralph looked at the phone for a long while, then looked up at Sam. Ralph’s head started twitching, building up to spasms where Sam thought it would fly right off.
       "Ralph!" He yelled. "Knock it off! Hey! Stop!"
       Eventually, Ralph's spasming stopped. He looked at Sam again, then put his attention back to the phone. Sam's vibrated.
       “Cnt b alone”
       Sam sighed. It will be ok. “You can do it, really. You won't be alone anymore.”
       He could've sworn that Ralph let out a sigh as he texted again.
       “Ddnt meen mee”
       Sam looked at the text. Then, Sam and the world broke into a million pieces and became new again.
       Sam lost all track of how long he talked to Ralph across the alley, or what about, but the sun was going down and he was getting tired. He didn't even realize that his phone had vibrated, but there was an envelope on the screen. He pushed 'enter'.
       “uo ok”
       Sam giggled and texted back.“I'm ok man. You?”
       “I ok”
       “Alright. I need to get to sleep. See you in the morning?”
       “ys”
       “Good night Ralph”
       “goo nghtt sm”
       Sam frowned at the low power bar on his phone. He really hoped Ralph had a phone charger.