A SHORT PLAY...ON WORDS (or "Eat Shit And Die")
Imaginary Garden With Real ToadsTHE SCENE: A fast food drive-through somewhere in middle America
CHARACTERS:
SHE: A young female order taker
HE: A male customer who has just pulled up to the intercom
SHE: Hello, and welcome to SHITBURGER. How may I help you?
HE: Uh... I guess I'll have a SHITBURGER with everything on it.
SHE: You want the works on that, you say?
HE: I think...what kind of shit does that come with?
SHE: Oh, there's all kinds of shit on there, sir....a real load. I think you'll enjoy it.
HE: Okay, then, I'll give that a try. Never had a SHITBURGER before, but my girlfriend strongly recommended that I eat some...
SHE: Oh yes, we get a lot of referrals that way. Mostly men.
HE: So these burgers are good, eh? I admire that you are up front in your advertising about the ingredients. That seems to be rare these days.
SHE: Well, sir, that was an easy decision. Our research indicates that most people don't give a shit what's in it, as long as it tastes good. And we've devised a way to make shit absolutely DELICIOUS!
HE: No accounting for taste, as they say!
SHE: Ha ha...that's right, sir.
HE: Your prices are really good.
SHE: Yes, they are...we make shit affordable...and addictive!
HE: Right...uh, what other shit do you have to go with that?
SHE: There's our curly fries...deep fried...
HE: Sounds delicious.
SHE : Deep fried in some deep shit.
HE :All right...I'll take the curly fries too.
SHE: Guaranteed to curl your toes. Would you like something to drink with that?
HE: I see that your BIG PISS cup is a full sixteen ounces for only fifty-nine cents!
SHE: Yes... it's full of piss, but with all the high fructose corn syrup in there, you'll never notice the difference.
HE: YAHOO! Looks like I'm all set.
SHE: Please pull up to the window then, sir, and thank you for choosing SHITBURGER. Have a crappy day!
HE: Ha ha...no doubt about it. No doubt at all!!!
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