Broken Bambi
To all who are reading this,
Well it's been several months since I last posted and I feel really rubbish about that. And it's not just because of university assignments that I've been away! This post is that big huge explanatory piece about my absence, and it starts on Tuesday 9 February...
I'd had a rubbish day at university, and I was really struggling. Everything seemed to be going wrong, it felt like no one wanted to talk to me, that I was being ridiculed at every turn. I felt sick, tired and hungry. When I got home, I moaned to my partner and the next thing I knew, I was asleep on the sofa. When I woke up after an hour or so, he was all in a flutter because the boiler was on the blink, and we had no heating. I was in a panic - I rang my parents, and my dad and brother came round to fix it. After everything that had happened, I was ready to skip roller derby practice and just crawl into bed. After a few words of wisdom from my dad, I changed into my workout gear and headed off.
For the time I was there, I was happy. I had a good chat with some of my teammates. I was all set to practice my one-foot glides. I'd even had a compliment from my coach that my general skating was improving! During a skill exercise for balance, my ankle came out from under me and bent outwards. As I tried to stop myself from going on my bum, my ankle rolled inwards, and then straight outwards until I landed on the floor. I was in so much pain that a first aider had to be called. My skates were taken away and I was advised to get it checked at a hospital. There was so much concern - I felt like a numpty for crying on track, and I felt like I had let my teammate down.
BackslabMy parents collected me. I was bundled into a wheelchair where I spent most of my night in A and E. I had x-rays and was prodded and poked. That night, my leggings were cut off, and I was reprimanded for playing a dangerous sport by the nurse. I was put into a backslab and given crutches to use for the time being. I had a suspected fractured ankle and had to attend fracture clinic in two days time for confirmation.
Thursday came. I spent the most of the time very upset, in a lot of pain and had more x-rays. A few hours later, and the diagnosis was confirmed. I had a fractured right ankle, and I wasn't allowed to weight bare. On the plus side, I was allowed to choose the colour of my cast, but underneath it was the original heavy backslab...
Cast 1I felt sick. I couldn't get up the stairs to my flat so I had to sleep on my parents sofa. This put huge pressures on my relationship and with family members, so I often found myself even more stressed, angry and often in tears, although my parents were absolutely amazing about the situation. Moving around on the crutches and around places like Freshney Place proved difficult and the palms of my hands went hard with calluses. Although I had a lift pass for university, I initially had to miss a weeks worth of classes. When I went back ,the tutors were very supportive and initially surprised that I was pushing myself to come in. I wasn't allowed to go back to my student placement, a placment that I had to attend as part of my course and would be a huge part of an assessment. I felt like everything was getting worse. That I wasn't myself anymore.
Cast 2I went back to the fracture clinic a month after the accident. The pain was still the same and I was still not allowed to weight bare, so I was a regular sight hopping around uni and clattering my crutches on the sides of desks. I had more x-rays where I learnt that I was healing, and the bones were starting to knit back together. My purple cast had started to break in places making it more uncomfortable and so my cast was replaced. Being put into a new cast, I struggled just as much as before. Whilst it was lighter without the backslab, it felt just as heavy and sometimes I crashed into walls and the back of the sofa. It's so difficult to explain now what I was going through, and you're probably thinking, "It's a fracture, get over yourself!" My emotions were a jumbled mess, but I had family and friends that never failed to make me smile. I got silly GIFS, Snapchat stories and late night talks. Surprise visits with flowers and a lovely dinner out with my best friend really cheered me up.
Moon bootOn my 24th birthday, I was back to fracture clinic and although the cast came off, I was struggling to weight bare. I was told to use a walking boot for nearly three full weeks with crutches to help start me off. After three weeks, I could start weaning off it. It really put a dampner on my birthday, especially when other people thought I could go home soon. Annoying as it was, I started walking with the use of the crutches and made it around the house and even Tesco, which I hadn't been able to do before. It also meant that I could have a proper bath at last. A week or so later, I had conquered the stairs and I was able to go home to my flat, where my neighbours were really supportive. And slowly, but surely, I started to walk properly, although I still had to use my boot and lift pass for uni. I could walk around my flat, I could go shopping, I could have dinner out with my best friend again, I could get into town and the cinema - Zootropolis (2016), and Ratchet and Clank (2016) are awesome, by the way.
Last Thursday at fracture clinic, I told them about the pain I was still experiencing. I initially thought it was because I was moving around, but after a good poke, the doctor sent me for two different sets of x-rays. Back in the clinic, I was told that I have suspected inflamed tendons, so more painkillers for me! I'm waiting for some appointments to come through now - I'm going to have an MRI and some proper physiotherapy to help rebuild the muscle that I've lost in my right leg. It means I'm still not allowed to get back on my skates or properly exercise (I was told that some yoga positions could make my tendons even worse). Although, that being said, I don't have to use the boot unless I'm really struggling, and I am allowed back to placement!
If being a broken bambi skater had taught me anything, it's this:
I've managed to get better and whilst some days I still struggle, I know I can get there. I have a good support network of family and friends. I've pushed myself through the pain, and I've got back on the right track with my university work and deadlines.
Seeing my teammates skate at scrims, seeing the photos, hearing about their practice sessions and triumphs makes me even more determined to get back on my skates. Yeah, I broke on skates in practice. I've been bruised from the accident - physically and mentally. But am I ready to hang up my skates? Of course not!
Yours, with eternal ink,
Zoe
---
Currently reading: A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness
Well it's been several months since I last posted and I feel really rubbish about that. And it's not just because of university assignments that I've been away! This post is that big huge explanatory piece about my absence, and it starts on Tuesday 9 February...
I'd had a rubbish day at university, and I was really struggling. Everything seemed to be going wrong, it felt like no one wanted to talk to me, that I was being ridiculed at every turn. I felt sick, tired and hungry. When I got home, I moaned to my partner and the next thing I knew, I was asleep on the sofa. When I woke up after an hour or so, he was all in a flutter because the boiler was on the blink, and we had no heating. I was in a panic - I rang my parents, and my dad and brother came round to fix it. After everything that had happened, I was ready to skip roller derby practice and just crawl into bed. After a few words of wisdom from my dad, I changed into my workout gear and headed off.
For the time I was there, I was happy. I had a good chat with some of my teammates. I was all set to practice my one-foot glides. I'd even had a compliment from my coach that my general skating was improving! During a skill exercise for balance, my ankle came out from under me and bent outwards. As I tried to stop myself from going on my bum, my ankle rolled inwards, and then straight outwards until I landed on the floor. I was in so much pain that a first aider had to be called. My skates were taken away and I was advised to get it checked at a hospital. There was so much concern - I felt like a numpty for crying on track, and I felt like I had let my teammate down.
BackslabMy parents collected me. I was bundled into a wheelchair where I spent most of my night in A and E. I had x-rays and was prodded and poked. That night, my leggings were cut off, and I was reprimanded for playing a dangerous sport by the nurse. I was put into a backslab and given crutches to use for the time being. I had a suspected fractured ankle and had to attend fracture clinic in two days time for confirmation.Thursday came. I spent the most of the time very upset, in a lot of pain and had more x-rays. A few hours later, and the diagnosis was confirmed. I had a fractured right ankle, and I wasn't allowed to weight bare. On the plus side, I was allowed to choose the colour of my cast, but underneath it was the original heavy backslab...
Cast 1I felt sick. I couldn't get up the stairs to my flat so I had to sleep on my parents sofa. This put huge pressures on my relationship and with family members, so I often found myself even more stressed, angry and often in tears, although my parents were absolutely amazing about the situation. Moving around on the crutches and around places like Freshney Place proved difficult and the palms of my hands went hard with calluses. Although I had a lift pass for university, I initially had to miss a weeks worth of classes. When I went back ,the tutors were very supportive and initially surprised that I was pushing myself to come in. I wasn't allowed to go back to my student placement, a placment that I had to attend as part of my course and would be a huge part of an assessment. I felt like everything was getting worse. That I wasn't myself anymore.
Cast 2I went back to the fracture clinic a month after the accident. The pain was still the same and I was still not allowed to weight bare, so I was a regular sight hopping around uni and clattering my crutches on the sides of desks. I had more x-rays where I learnt that I was healing, and the bones were starting to knit back together. My purple cast had started to break in places making it more uncomfortable and so my cast was replaced. Being put into a new cast, I struggled just as much as before. Whilst it was lighter without the backslab, it felt just as heavy and sometimes I crashed into walls and the back of the sofa. It's so difficult to explain now what I was going through, and you're probably thinking, "It's a fracture, get over yourself!" My emotions were a jumbled mess, but I had family and friends that never failed to make me smile. I got silly GIFS, Snapchat stories and late night talks. Surprise visits with flowers and a lovely dinner out with my best friend really cheered me up.
Moon bootOn my 24th birthday, I was back to fracture clinic and although the cast came off, I was struggling to weight bare. I was told to use a walking boot for nearly three full weeks with crutches to help start me off. After three weeks, I could start weaning off it. It really put a dampner on my birthday, especially when other people thought I could go home soon. Annoying as it was, I started walking with the use of the crutches and made it around the house and even Tesco, which I hadn't been able to do before. It also meant that I could have a proper bath at last. A week or so later, I had conquered the stairs and I was able to go home to my flat, where my neighbours were really supportive. And slowly, but surely, I started to walk properly, although I still had to use my boot and lift pass for uni. I could walk around my flat, I could go shopping, I could have dinner out with my best friend again, I could get into town and the cinema - Zootropolis (2016), and Ratchet and Clank (2016) are awesome, by the way. Last Thursday at fracture clinic, I told them about the pain I was still experiencing. I initially thought it was because I was moving around, but after a good poke, the doctor sent me for two different sets of x-rays. Back in the clinic, I was told that I have suspected inflamed tendons, so more painkillers for me! I'm waiting for some appointments to come through now - I'm going to have an MRI and some proper physiotherapy to help rebuild the muscle that I've lost in my right leg. It means I'm still not allowed to get back on my skates or properly exercise (I was told that some yoga positions could make my tendons even worse). Although, that being said, I don't have to use the boot unless I'm really struggling, and I am allowed back to placement!
If being a broken bambi skater had taught me anything, it's this:
I've managed to get better and whilst some days I still struggle, I know I can get there. I have a good support network of family and friends. I've pushed myself through the pain, and I've got back on the right track with my university work and deadlines.
Seeing my teammates skate at scrims, seeing the photos, hearing about their practice sessions and triumphs makes me even more determined to get back on my skates. Yeah, I broke on skates in practice. I've been bruised from the accident - physically and mentally. But am I ready to hang up my skates? Of course not!
Yours, with eternal ink,
Zoe
---
Currently reading: A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness
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