I Foist UNDEAD AND UNWARY On People Who Never Did Anything Bad To Me
It shouldn't surprise anyone who spends time on my Facebook page, reading this blog, or reading one of my books: I'm pathologically immature. Usually it presents as passive/aggressive shenanigans, and occasionally as humor. To that end, I have a lot of fun with my book dedications and author's notes. I was told many times that most readers never bother with the author's notes, unless they gave birth to the author. That's fine, no problem, as far as I'm concerned they don't even have to read the book if they paid for the thing. (Libraries are exempt, of course, but who goes to a libe, checks out a library book, then brings it home to not read? And if you do? You're an asshat. You really, really are. No court of appeals on that one, asshat.)
But then I started getting fan mail, and quite a few of them began "I normally skip the author's notes but I love yours" and "your author's notes are funnier than most people's books!" and "this is the third time I've sent you this, will you please e-mail your mom and tell her if you're free this Sunday?" and "is something wrong with you? I'm not trying to be mean. You might need meds. Oh, and your author's notes are pretty funny, unless you really are crazy, in which case they're indicative of a serious problem". (Armchair psychiatrists, swear to God…)
So with UNDEAD AND UNWARY hitting shelves tomorrow, I thought I'd get you guys started. Not just to be an unrelenting tease (which I am, soooo unrelenting! I am the Teasinator) but to give you hints of what you can expect from the book itself: snark, vampires, weird babies, Hell, Sink Lair, passionate married sex, shoes, and snark.
Never say you weren't warned! (Well, you can. But no one will believe you.)
* * *
Author’s Note:
The St. Paul Winter Carnival is a thing. They’ve been doing it for over a century, it pulls almost half a million people a year, and the city makes millions. There really is a Snow Slide, a Queen of the Snows, an Annual Snow Stomp, a Moon Glow Pedestrian Parade, a blood drive, a castle, an outdoor baseball game, and beer.My feelings on this phenomenon are mixed. On the one hand, I’m proud my fellow Minnesotans not only endure winter, they embrace it. Minnesotans own winter, okay? They have made winter their bitch. It is a glorious thing to see.But, and not to be a traitor to my state, I don’t go near the festivities. I went once, and once was enough. It was cold. There was ice and snow all over the place, and the fact that it had been molded and/or sculpted into interesting things made it no less unbearably cold. Lines for hot beverages were torture (“I can see, I can see the steam rolling off the hot chocolate so close and yet so far and ahhhhh, can’t this line move any faster? I can’t feel my face! I have not felt my face in half an hour! Oh, face, come baaaaaaack!”), most of the activities seem to be designed to make a person even colder, and I just...no. I admire the effort, and want nothing to do with it. St. Paul Winter Carnival, I apologize. I just don’t get you.Stoli Elite Himalayan Edition is also a thing. It really does come in a beautiful brown and gold bottle in a keepsake dark wooden box, and it really costs $3,000.00. And on a list of most expensive vodkas in the world? Stoli didn’t even come close. Man, if I have a few grand to burn, I’d never blow it on a bottle of vodka. I’d blow it on Coke and Funyuns.Scribbling on babies with Sharpies is not cool. Seriously, just don’t. Even if they’re scented. Perhaps especially if they’re scented. The Sharpies, not the babies.The state of Minnesota is shockingly cavalier about enforcing a timeline for its citizens to name newborn citizens.The dreadful jigsaw puzzle Marc worked on can be found on Amazon and it’s actually called the World’s Most Difficult Jigsaw Puzzle. There are two kinds of people in the world, those who like jigsaw puzzles and those who hate and fear them. The World’s Most Difficult Jigsaw Puzzle is the thing of my nightmares. Proceed with caution.Referring to Laura Goodman as the Anti-Anti-Christ isn’t mine; TV Tropes (www.tvtropes.org) did it first. And it was wonderful. I am filled with grinding envy that I didn’t think of it first. Grinding envy, however, provides the lubrication for my ambition. And ugh, I just talked about lubricating myself. I am determined to make zangst a thing.The Game is a thing! One I lose all the time and, if you’re reading this, you have, too. Check it out here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game... baggie of diamonds Betsy stumbles across are red diamonds, the rarest in the world. Also, am I the only one who thinks jewelers should just stop rhapsodizing about “Chocolate Diamonds”? Guys: they are brown. You’re selling rocks the color of mud. You are selling fancy gravel. Which is fine, but just...just own that, okay? Okay.Silver Lamborghinis absolutely look like giant electric shavers. I’ve got nothing against the good people at Lamborghini (who are actually the good people at Volkswagen), but Betsy is quite right to mock Sinclair’s purchase.I have nothing against Giada DeLaurentiis. I think she is a lovely woman and a wonderful cook. I regret my characters do not agree.Finally, no matter how tempting it may be, faking your death is not cool, not least because of the inevitable paperwork nightmare.
But then I started getting fan mail, and quite a few of them began "I normally skip the author's notes but I love yours" and "your author's notes are funnier than most people's books!" and "this is the third time I've sent you this, will you please e-mail your mom and tell her if you're free this Sunday?" and "is something wrong with you? I'm not trying to be mean. You might need meds. Oh, and your author's notes are pretty funny, unless you really are crazy, in which case they're indicative of a serious problem". (Armchair psychiatrists, swear to God…)
So with UNDEAD AND UNWARY hitting shelves tomorrow, I thought I'd get you guys started. Not just to be an unrelenting tease (which I am, soooo unrelenting! I am the Teasinator) but to give you hints of what you can expect from the book itself: snark, vampires, weird babies, Hell, Sink Lair, passionate married sex, shoes, and snark.
Never say you weren't warned! (Well, you can. But no one will believe you.)
* * *
Author’s Note:
The St. Paul Winter Carnival is a thing. They’ve been doing it for over a century, it pulls almost half a million people a year, and the city makes millions. There really is a Snow Slide, a Queen of the Snows, an Annual Snow Stomp, a Moon Glow Pedestrian Parade, a blood drive, a castle, an outdoor baseball game, and beer.My feelings on this phenomenon are mixed. On the one hand, I’m proud my fellow Minnesotans not only endure winter, they embrace it. Minnesotans own winter, okay? They have made winter their bitch. It is a glorious thing to see.But, and not to be a traitor to my state, I don’t go near the festivities. I went once, and once was enough. It was cold. There was ice and snow all over the place, and the fact that it had been molded and/or sculpted into interesting things made it no less unbearably cold. Lines for hot beverages were torture (“I can see, I can see the steam rolling off the hot chocolate so close and yet so far and ahhhhh, can’t this line move any faster? I can’t feel my face! I have not felt my face in half an hour! Oh, face, come baaaaaaack!”), most of the activities seem to be designed to make a person even colder, and I just...no. I admire the effort, and want nothing to do with it. St. Paul Winter Carnival, I apologize. I just don’t get you.Stoli Elite Himalayan Edition is also a thing. It really does come in a beautiful brown and gold bottle in a keepsake dark wooden box, and it really costs $3,000.00. And on a list of most expensive vodkas in the world? Stoli didn’t even come close. Man, if I have a few grand to burn, I’d never blow it on a bottle of vodka. I’d blow it on Coke and Funyuns.Scribbling on babies with Sharpies is not cool. Seriously, just don’t. Even if they’re scented. Perhaps especially if they’re scented. The Sharpies, not the babies.The state of Minnesota is shockingly cavalier about enforcing a timeline for its citizens to name newborn citizens.The dreadful jigsaw puzzle Marc worked on can be found on Amazon and it’s actually called the World’s Most Difficult Jigsaw Puzzle. There are two kinds of people in the world, those who like jigsaw puzzles and those who hate and fear them. The World’s Most Difficult Jigsaw Puzzle is the thing of my nightmares. Proceed with caution.Referring to Laura Goodman as the Anti-Anti-Christ isn’t mine; TV Tropes (www.tvtropes.org) did it first. And it was wonderful. I am filled with grinding envy that I didn’t think of it first. Grinding envy, however, provides the lubrication for my ambition. And ugh, I just talked about lubricating myself. I am determined to make zangst a thing.The Game is a thing! One I lose all the time and, if you’re reading this, you have, too. Check it out here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game... baggie of diamonds Betsy stumbles across are red diamonds, the rarest in the world. Also, am I the only one who thinks jewelers should just stop rhapsodizing about “Chocolate Diamonds”? Guys: they are brown. You’re selling rocks the color of mud. You are selling fancy gravel. Which is fine, but just...just own that, okay? Okay.Silver Lamborghinis absolutely look like giant electric shavers. I’ve got nothing against the good people at Lamborghini (who are actually the good people at Volkswagen), but Betsy is quite right to mock Sinclair’s purchase.I have nothing against Giada DeLaurentiis. I think she is a lovely woman and a wonderful cook. I regret my characters do not agree.Finally, no matter how tempting it may be, faking your death is not cool, not least because of the inevitable paperwork nightmare.
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