Being unpopular

In 2004, I was attending law school in Portland, OR, at what apparently is one of the most liberal law schools in the country. And I was a conservative who voted for George W. Bush. The day after the 2004 election was… odd. It was like a funeral. Everyone was so freaked out. And I couldn't celebrate. I couldn't even smile about it. I had people who saw me coming, and said to my face "I can't talk to you today." And then they turned and left. It was one of the weirdest experiences I've ever had.

These were people I loved and respected, and didn't necessarily associate with politics. It just wasn't part of my calculus. But it was made very clear to me that there are people out there for whom the politics was very important as to who they would or would not associate with. And now I'm really conflicted. I've been writing all month about integrity, pressing forward on the path, being who you are, etc. In the process, I've been very open about my faith, my perspective, and my starting premises. So it shouldn't come as a huge shock that I think that the vote of NY to allow same sex marriage is, while not altogether surprising, maybe a little disappointing.

And I guess that to some people that makes me a horrible person, a hater, and a bigot. I realize this is an unpopular position to take in today's culture. And it would have been very easy to just keep my mouth shut and my head down. I've done that plenty of times. But given everything I've been writing this month during the #Trust30 challenge, it would be hypocritical of me to do so in this case. So last night on Twitter and Facebook, I posted something that expressed my feelings on the matter, and the thought that apparently having that opinion makes me a bigot and a hater. A couple of people were kind enough to ask for a little clarification on what I thought about the issue. And I suppose this is as good a place as any to do some explication on the subject.

It's not that other people were happy that same-sex marriage passed that prompted this response, and I wish those people who will be taking advantage of the law good luck with their families. No – it wasn't the celebration. It was the belief that I saw expressed multiple times that anyone who thought differently must be operating from the basis of hate, must be an unthinking, reactionary bigot, unworthy to engage in conversation. I saw plenty of people saying that they were dropping people from their network because they were disappointed or upset that same sex marriage passed in NY. To those people – the ones who are using that as a litmus test for their social networks – the sound you're hearing is my slow clap celebrating the public demise of your much-vaunted tolerance. So much for that, eh?

Now, to really justify you dropping me from Twitter, Facebook, or whatever…

First and foremost, my objection is largely informed by my faith. I make no secret of my membership in and participation in the LDS church. It's on my Twitter and Facebook profiles. I've mentioned it here explicitly. I think it's fairly obvious to anyone who would care to look. I'm a Mormon. And I don't and won't apologize for that. My church teaches, and I believe, that homosexual behavior is immoral. Not all Mormons agree on same-sex marriage. I'm sure I know some who wouldn't mind it being the law of the land across the country. But I feel very comfortable saying that those are the exception, not the rule.

Now, to some people, that apparently is "religious silliness". Thanks for respecting me and my beliefs. To me, those are beliefs that I hold sacred, that inform my actions on a day to day basis, that inform how I treat my family and my friends, my work and my co-workers, and everyone and everything else I come in contact with. It informs my writing. And if you're not cool with that, fine. You don't have to be and I'm not going to try to make you accept it. But remember that these are things that are deeply important to me. I don't make fun of your atheism or agnosticism or whatever. I don't think it's out of line for me to request – even expect – the same tolerance.

Now, a quick word about tolerance. Tolerance is not the same as acceptance, and it sure as hell isn't the same as approval. Tolerance means putting up with something I find inappropriate or distasteful or even morally repugnant. I grew up downwind from a chicken farm. I tolerated it. It was something I had little to no control over. I learned to accept it. But I did not approve of it, and I think most people understand the concept when put that way. If same-sex marriage winds up becoming the law here in Texas (which would take a Constitutional amendment – not impossible, but not easy), then I suppose I could and would learn to tolerate it. But don't expect me to approve.

A few people have said that this doesn't affect my marriage (or their marriage) and that therefore people who object should not have an opinion on the matter. Meanwhile, they also say that they approve of the move, and congratulate the State of New York in making it… thereby demonstrating that even though they claim not to be affected by it, they have an opinion on the matter. Incidentally, this strikes me as being a not-very-flattering indication of the logical thought process people put into this argument. But this was never a logical argument in the first place. It's an emotional one. Regular rules of thought and argument simply do not apply. My position is a priori incorrect, and now it's just a matter of pointing out a) how wrong I am and b) casting assumptions as to how I got to be so wrong. (This is where the bigot, homophobe, radical language comes in.) It's Bulverism. And I hate Bulverism.

I have opinions on lots of things that don't really affect me. They vary widely in importance. I have opinions on the relative merits of the Star Wars films, on the way the Federation is depicted in Star Trek, and on the writings of Jim Butcher. (Empire rocked, the Federation creeps me out, and Jim Butcher is a cruel, cold-hearted, sadistic bastard to his characters – and I LOVE HIM FOR THAT.) I have opinions on human rights abuses in China and on what's going on in Libya. None of those things really affect me all that much. But everyone is okay with me having an opinion on them. It's not the fact that I have an opinion that seems to be the problem. It's that my opinion differs from the accepted script. And therefore I must be wrong. And not just wrong, but unworthy to participate in conversation with right thinking people. And if that's your criteria, then let me thank you up front for removing me from your social media network.

Now, as far as it not affecting me or affecting my marriage, I respectfully disagree. It affects the culture. I'm a part of the culture. Therefore, it affects me. It informs the next generation of how we think about and the importance we put on marriage and family. And that affects me. It makes it more difficult for me to teach my daughter and pass on the values that I hold most dear – even sacred. And that affects me. I have no idea what all of the effects could be. No one does. That doesn't mean that they aren't there.

Right now, it's acceptable to make fun of people who are members of my church. It's acceptable to protest outside our meetings and spray graffiti on our places of worship. It's okay to write Broadway musicals that mock and denigrate and belittle the things that I hold sacred. And it's not okay for me to stand up for what I believe in.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but doesn't that seem a little intolerant?