I Don't Know, So I Write

NOTE: I've been busy working on The Journal the past few weeks, which has a tendency to make me clam up (unless you ask me about The Journal, then I'll talk you into the dirt). This post is from an essay-like-thing that I wrote in February 2005. Hard to believe six years have passed since then. I've written a *lot* since then, novels and stories, but most of this is still the way things are. The way I am.
 
In most cases, I know what I believe. And I know why I believe it. That's something I've worked on since my teenage years.
 
I expect that what I believe will be visible in my fiction … though when I look at my novel (Threads, unpublished) … I don't really believe in either magic or ghosts or fate, but there they are. Quite prominent, actually. So besides those, I think my beliefs about the individual, free will, and so will be discernible.
 
In fact, it's probable that my fascination with ghosts and fate (for example) are a direct result of my atheism and belief in free will. That's the unknown for me, and the unknowable, so they draw my attention.
 
I've never been a fan of starting a writing project with a theme. I'm not out to convert anyone. I'm quite the non-proselytizer. I don't like preaching.
 
The stories I've written as an adult … including RPG story arcs that I've put together … have been about:
 

Strong individuals whose choices have left them alone, crossing paths, recognizing someone they could love, but ultimately continuing on their separate ways.
Lots of RPG campaign arcs that deal with views about and/or avoiding/beating death.
Stories and RPG arcs that dealt strongly in betrayal and false appearances.
Failure as a necessary component of life.
Loneliness and being alone. Being an outcast, voluntarily or otherwise.
… probably some other less-than-cheery themes in the accumulated scribblings.

 
Thing is, though, I didn't start with any of those themes in mind. They just … happened.
 
Writing is all about making choices, of course. But some choices I prefer to leave to … not chance, really … but to a more organic process than just deciding, "My next story will explore themes of loneliness, showing that while the individual can exist by herself, totally isolated, she's happier when she connects with other people." Some choices seem more natural and spontaneous if they arise from the subconscious.
 
Also, I often will accept something that occurs randomly or semi-randomly more readily than if I chose it outright. I've noticed this most often when I'm prepping an adventure for an RPG session. It seems more "fair" (to the players, maybe?) if I let the dice decide, and then embellish, than if I pick something outright. On the other hand, it doesn't bug me to buck the dice if I don't like the result. If the result seems workable, I'll go with it. If it doesn't seem workable, or spur an idea that result could be creatively used, I'll roll again or just pick something.
 
So … I like to use writing to explore what I believe, and maybe even test it to see if it makes sense. I like to explore the periphery, the unknown and unknowable, creating systems that could work … maybe … like rules for how magic could work … and how the dead could interact with the living … and how fate and free will might exist side by side. Is there a god or a god-like being?
 
I don't know. So I write about it.
 
-David
 
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