Idiomatic Idiocy

 

It was one of those throwaway remarks from Her Indoors. “I can’t wait to get to Tenerife.” To which I replied, “Well set off now, but I think you’ll find you’ll have to wait. The plane doesn’t leave for another fortnight.”

It got me thinking about these little idioms we throw into our speech. Suppose we took them literally.

We have the garden shipshape and Bristol fashion.

I don’t know whether fashions are any different in Bristol than they are in Manchester, but if you wanna get technical about it, the garden bears no resemblance to any kind of ship. We’ve no bow, no stern, no keel and no sign of any superstructure. And the closest thing we have to a bridge is a washing line, but I wouldn’t trust it to hold my weight from one end of the garden to the other.

I’ll just draw the curtains.

Tone and line, or a full colour sketch?

I‘m making the bed.

The hammer, nails and screwdriver are all in the shed.

I’m dying for a cuppa.

If you’re dying, wouldn’t a doctor be more help?

My feet are killing me.

What are you? Some kind of contortionist?

My favourite is, I don’t believe it.

You open the front door and your car is not there. Someone has nicked it. You turn to the missus and say, “I don’t believe it.”

All right. What’s the alternative?

Harry and Ron were late back at Hogwarts, so they jumped in and Harry said to Ron, “You drive, I’ll wave the wand to get us in the air.”

Or maybe the Starship Enterprise called by and Captain Kirk saw the car and ordered, “Beam that thing aboard, Scotty. I’m having those alloys.”