What are You Looking for in a Spouse? Why not Create a List?

After Paige and I got engaged, she found an old journal entry describing what she wanted in a man. She e-mailed it to me explaining I was all these things and more. But I confess I knew I fell short. I think she still has blinders on, and I'm thankful for that. But what this list is a gift to me, all the same. The list gives me an aim, a goal, a reference against which to test my character.

Most women start dreaming about their husbands at an early age, and that became more and more clear to me as Paige and I fell in love. I wasn't just a man, I was her dream come true, the man upon whom she rested her hopes. It was frightening, I confess, and God knows I have failed and will fail again and agin. And yet I am thankful for a woman who had vision, who wanted the best for herself and her family.  Though the challenge of becoming the man her list describes frightens me, it's a challenge I accept. I love this woman. And I know it's in my power to be her dream come true, or her worst nightmare. I want to be her dream come true. I accept that agency fully, and defer it to nobody.

What is great about creating a list like this is it gives a single person a filter through which to weed out candidates that don't fit. Paige confesses she didn't have a lot of faith anything like this man could exist, and we've both grieved the men of lesser character that she entertained, even as we have grieved my own sordid character, before I knew the good women I spent time with were beautiful and sacred and yet belonged to other men who would honor them and grieve my neglect for their beloved. In the end, we are both thankful Paige never settled. Somehow she always moved on, always let them go and trusted God would give her a man who loves her heart uniquely.

I'd advise any young girl or young man to create a list like this, and to have faith and sacrifice each day to honor the man or woman who will fulfill those desires. For Paige, this meant seasons of loneliness, seasons of going without, seasons of doubt. Perhaps this will be the gift you will give your spouse, your loneliness, your steel determination to endure though your faith is weak.

Another great thing about creating a list is that Paige helps me become this man. She and I both know I am not yet the man she has dreamed of. How can I be? She has dreamed of me with children on my lap, hanging a swing in a tree, shoveling a driveway full of snow, slipping a letter into her suitcase when she zips her suitcase up for a trip. She has seen me with a walking cane. She has seen me opening a worn Bible. She has seen me crying beside her in prayer. I'm not that man yet. I hope to be.

Paige is helping me become her dream come true. She understands that she must actively participate in my becoming. She honors me and respects me. She believes I am the person I am not, she believes I am the person I can become, with her help and with God's. She's turned the other cheek a thousand times in our courtship, always choosing to believe my heart is good. And because she believes my heart is good, my heart is becoming something better each day.

This list isn't only my ambition, it's hers. She wants me to become her dream come true. And she's working to make it happen.

Here's Paige's list:

I was looking through old journalings and I found this list… you do every one of these things! I am so blessed to have you! Love you!!!

I want someone who…

- loves God with his whole heart.

- wants to talk to me everyday, 30 times a day if that's what I need that day.

- can't wait to see me again

- is always thinking about me

- surprises me, in good ways from the little to the big

- plans dates for me

- follows through on what he says he's going to do

- is consistent in his actions and behavior

- doesn't disappear

- reassures me of his feelings for me with his actions and words

- wants the whole world to know how he feels about me, isn't afraid to show it or say it

- puts me first, after God.

- is not afraid of my sensitivities, scars and wounds but wants to be a part of healing them

- always makes time for me no matter what else is going on.

- pursues me

 

What about you? What are you looking for in a spouse. Nobody is perfect, for sure, but I honestly believe it's a good idea to set the bar high. Create a list today, why don't you?

 

What are You Looking for in a Spouse? Why not Create a List? is a post from: Donald Miller's Blog