I Wish I Had My Politics Figured Out

…………Like fiscally. Am I a liberal or a conservative? Socially, I'm a bigtime liberal.

…………LEAVE EVERYONE THE FUCK ALONE is my motto. Drugs should be legal. All of them. Stop kidding yourselves. Gay people should be allowed to get married. In fact, why is the government even involved in something like marriage? They're not involved in bar mitzvahs. They're not involved in confirmations in the Christian churches. The fuck is this shit with marriage? "Unfortunately, we live in Alabama, so it's illegal for me to give a bar mitzvah to my dog."

…………Sorry, I'm not Jewish—do you give a bar mitzvah or throw one?

…………SHARE THIS IF YOU SUPPORT CANINE MITZVAHS!

…………Bat mitzvahs for bitches, yo.

…………Incest is legal in more US states than gay marriage. And this is the greatest country on earth. Um, yeah.

…………Am I proud to be an American? I reiterate: Incest is legal in more US states than gay marriage. I'm wearing a fucking paper sack on my head as I type this, that's how proud I am.

…………So taxes. Do we punish the rich for being rich and tax the living shit out of them? Why? Just because they're rich? And, yeah, I'm sure our government would do a bang-up job with all the money they steal from the rich, too. Say what you will about the backward and provincial nature of the American citizen, but there is no way you can logically impugn the fiscal know-how and responsibility of the American government.

…………Zing.

…………Capitalism: that's a fucked up mess. An entire economic system based on greed. And it shows! It shows in the chemicals we eat mislabeled as food, in the plastic shit everywhere, in the cookie-cutter music, in the brain-dead tv and movies, in everything.

…………Capitalism is organic and natural, though. It grew from the soil. "I'll trade you this nifty stone knife I just made for a night with your woman," said the first caveman capitalist.

…………Socialism is unnatural and must be forced. The most totalitarian state imaginable had to be so totalitarian because it was so socialist. I'm talking, of course, about Soviet Russia. All thoroughly socialist nations are totalitarian shitholes. There's only a couple left: Cuba, North Korea. Paradises both.

…………So I don't believe in anything, I guess. I do, however, strongly support your hedgehog's right to be confirmed in the Catholic faith.