I Got a Boner For Pineapples

…………I love them. Big, beautiful, brutal fruit. If you throw one hard enough at someone, you're liable to kill them. Try that with one of your pussy bananas, you damn dirty apes. Pineapples got fucking spikes on them and a tough, woody exterior. They're the Chuck Norris of fruit.

…………A good way to eat them is like this: First, slice off the spikes, then slice off the ass. It should be able to sit upright perfectly now and not be all wobbly and unstable like a little baby. Now, being careful not to cut in too deep, take your knife and slice off the skin in slabs, rotating as you go.

…………At this point, you'll have a completely naked pineapple sitting on your cutting board in all its glory. There will be delectable pineapple blood (juice to the faint-at-heart) all over the place – on your hands, on your knife, all over the counter, everywhere. Your kitchen will smell like a mixture of Hawaii and Heaven, which is very likely a redundant analogy.

…………Tip your naked pineapple over so it is laying supine in its own blood. Depending on its size, you'll cut it in half or in thirds. What you want after you dice it up is about two cups, so estimate. When you have the approximate chunk sliced off, wrap the remaining pineapple in plastic and stick it in the fridge. Uneaten pineapples will turn a ghastly brown-gray and get all mushy in retaliation for being ignored, so eat the rest tomorrow or at the very least, the day after that.

…………Now, dice up your chunk of pineapple except for the tough core. Cut around that and throw it in the trash or the compost heap. You'll want your diced pineapple to be about the size of, well, dice. Little cubes.

…………You're ready to get down to business. Take out a sauce pan or medium-size frying pan and throw in your pineapple dice. Next, pour white wine over them until they are just submerged. Put the heat on high and let them boil in the wine for, say, 5 minutes, stirring more or less constantly. Then pour in half a cup, maybe a little more, of heavy organic cream – enough so that the pineapple is submerged again, plus maybe a quarter of an inch more. Throw in a teaspoon of salt, a teaspoon of pepper, and a tablespoon of dried parsley. Allow to boil for another 5 minutes, stirring more or less constantly. What you want is for it to reduce and thicken. It may take a little longer than 5 minutes.

…………Now you're ready for the finishing touch. Throw in about 3 or 4 tablespoons of blue cheese. Stir until it is melted and fully incorporated into the sauce. The sauce should be nice and thick and totally clinging to the pineapple.

…………Dump it on a plate and eat it with a spoon, collecting some of the sauce with each chunk of pineapple.

…………You can thank me later.

…………By the way, I call this Creamed Pineapple of Blue Cheese, and if you have the means, I recommend Maytag Blue Cheese from Iowa. It's the best stuff in the Cosmos and makes Europe's best offerings seem amateurish. Any blue cheese will do fine though.

…………And, yes, once upon a time, Maytag Farms used to make washing machines.

Links of note: One of the many pineapples that have died at my hands, Maytag Dairy Farms, Chuck Norris, the pineapple of action heroes, Charlton Heston, of the above subtle Planet of the Apes reference, another one of the many pineapples that have died at my hands.

Michael Kindt

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