How to be a Perfect Mother In Law
My son was married on April 7. This means that I am a new mother-in-law. I have to forget everything I knew about mothering, and adopt a new approach.
This is not the simple transition I imagined it would be. For one thing, the son who got married is my mama's boy, a child so devoted to me as a baby that I called him my joey. He was two weeks late emerging from the womb, and then I carried him on my hip for the next ten months because he wouldn't allow anyone else to so much as change a sock. He'd howl piteously even if it was his father.
He's grown into a strapping man who towers over me and has tattoos all over his arms and shoulders 
(including, natch, one for "Mom" (please note the quill)). His bride is a serious, level-headed Air Force sergeant who looks at him with enough love in her eyes to make any mother happy. He's an exuberant character, and worships the ground she walks on. I liked her immediately and have only grown to love her more
over time.
All good.
Here's the thing: because I love the two of them together so much, I find myself wanting to write a happily-ever-after manual for them. Offer advice on everything from how to eat (together when you can) to how to talk to each other (kindly and with support) to activities (find a game you can play together). Most of it sounds like it's been distilled from women's magazines from the past thirty years.
And yet….I keep thinking about it. I'm experienced! I've been married. Divorced! My parents have been married for 50 years. My in-laws were married for 60. I wrote romance novels! I know stuff.
I find myself picking on my son more than my daughter-in-law. I want to tell her to make him do housework, even if it isn't quite the way she would do it, because she'll want a helpmate. I want to tell him cook for her more, or take her out. I nag him to go to movies she would like as often as what he would like.
But then I remember my mother in law, who was absolutely marvelous at this. She always greeted me with pleasure. She didn't criticize the way I fed her son or the way I raised her grandchildren. She supported me in all things, in all ways, and that in turn gave me confidence and allowed me to trust her. It also made me feel like a million bucks in her company. Smart, loving, wise. (She died seven years ago and I still really, really, really miss her.)
In all of this, I've realized that I have had as much trouble letting go of my mama's boy as he had letting go of me. He is, like me, creative and curious and inclined to crash through the wilderness than take a path already made. He hasn't yet found his place in the work world and I get anxious about hat (even though he's the ripe old age of 26). As I've monitored myself for offering unsolicited advice toward my daughter-in-law, I've noticed how much I nag my son.
Rather than trusting him. Respecting his ability to make good choices and live a productive, loving life. (And yet, look at his choice of brides! How smart was that?)
The wisdom in being a great mother-in-law is the same wisdom there is in being a great mother of adults—I can offer my faith in their intelligence and good sense and earnest desire to build a life of meaning and joy. (And look at them! Some good potential for joy there, huh?)
So unless I am asked directly for advice on any subject, and by directly, I mean, "Mom, what do you think I/we should do?", not just telling me about a problem or challenge they face, I am not offering any. I can trust them to live their lives without me at the helm. They're doing a great job, both my sons as adults and my newlyweds.
Will this be easy? Not on your life. But it's the only sane and loving way to be a mother of adults, and it's great practice for grandparenthood.
How have you navigated the transition to being a parent of an adult, being an in-law, being a grandparent? What advice would you offer me?
