What Weiner Should Have Said Last Week When the Twitter Scandal Broke

"Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I'm here today as a man who has suffered all his life with an unfortunate last name. I begged my parents time and time again to change it to anything else, but they refused.



You can't imagine the jokes I grew up with, the constant taunting in school. But once I hit puberty, I realized that I would have the last laugh. Because that photo circulating on the Internet of a substantial man's underwear, that is in fact me. It has not been photo shopped. Every pixel you see there is a Weiner pixel. And, as is now obvious, there's nothing "wee" about this Weiner.



Just as my name has influenced my life, so has my sizable endowment. Along with my deep commitment to aiding my fellow New Yorkers, I've also been committed to enjoying life in the city that never sleeps. Yes, I tweeted that photo. What can I tell you? I'm from New York, home of The Statue of Liberty, the Trump Tower, and the Empire State Building. We like it big in the Big Apple. We're proud of who we are.



Those who question my morals or want me to resign, well, you know there can only be one reason: they just don't measure up.



So to my enemies, I say this: you can try to roast this Weiner, but you won't keep me down."