How to Interpret a Blurb

inspired by what's floating around the interwebs

"pulls you in immediately" = nothing else to read in the waiting room
"innovative" = a head-scratcher
"luminous writing" = heavy on the adverbs
"a tour-de-force" = earmarked for re-gifting
"compelling" = a traffic accident, I couldn't look away
"deeply felt" = made me feel like a voyeur
"lyrical" = writes like a girl (sez Naipaul?)
"rich language" = opaque and Latinate
"redemptive" = soon to be a chick flick