If I Were the Top TV Executive

Heads would roll, and I'd clean house. Right off, I'd completely revamp the programming. I'd be ruthless. Dancing with celebrities: axed Reality shows: axed. Game shows: axed. Talent shows: axed.

To fill the new, empty slots, I'd go with film noirs. That's the right stuff. Film noirs--Gun Crazy, The Asphalt Jungle, The Postman Always Rings Twice -- shown 24/7. While I screened the old ones, I'd have my production companies creating the new titles, modernizing the plots and characters, of course.

Casting calls for femme fatales would appear on Craigslist and message boards. My talent scouts would scour the bars and firing ranges to sign up the lean, mean tough guys in the Bogie mold. I'd blog right here, updating rabid viewers on our progress.

I'd shoot the new film noirs in retro black-and-white, not splashy 2011 colors. The actors would be real people with a live pulse. No computer-generated cartoons or avatars would be used at all.

In the end, I'm afraid, I'd come to see that the original film noirs couldn't be matched much less topped. They're a special breed of their times. So, I'd be right back to where I am now, hawking my new book LAKE CHARLES to anybody who'd listen to me.

By Ed Lynskey
@edlynskey
Author of Lake Charles
"Satisfying."
The Rap Sheet/Kirkus Reviews