Insecurity and Quitting the Day Job

Some authors are very good at spilling their guts in their blogs. In fact, one might say this is what makes their blogs so good — their honest, real life accounts of who they are and what goes on in their writerly heads. I'm not as comfortable with that. I love to tweet, chat with readers and writers, and share the good times. I'm not super comfy with sharing the insecurities and deep inner workings of my cranium.

HOWEVER…my brother and I were chatting on Twitter this morning, and he noted that I clearly had more than 140 characters to share on the topic at hand: insecurity and defining success. (Thanks to Lucy March for inspiring that conversation.) My thoughts have also been swirling around on this topic after watching Victoria Schwabe's wonderful vlog musing on her need to work CONSTANTLY and EFFICIENTLY as a writer and a business person.

So here's my take (as I eat Life cereal the way Victoria eats Honey Nut Cheerios…) on these topics. Warning, this post may include navel-gazing and self-preoccupation. Apologies in advance for this behavior.

Let's start with the proposition that true self-actualization allows you not to care what other people think and what the accidents of birth and fate have provided you. In Buddhism, you are taught not to cling to the external world because it is certain to change and not truly reflective of who you are. Just as making a million dollars in the stock market doesn't mean you're a good person, losing your home in foreclosure doesn't mean you're a bad person, and hitting the NYT bestseller list doesn't have any reflection on your worth as a human being.

Let's also assume that I am not self-actualized. I do care about these things. I want people to think I'm a good writer. I want people to buy my book. I would really really love to call myself a bestseller.

Because of my lack of self-actualization, quitting my day job has been hard. Very hard. A year ago, my job didn't have a lot of meaning, but people told me all the time that I was good at it. And when they weren't telling me, I could see it. There was tangible evidence of my success. Lawyerly things that told me I was doing a good job. And there was financial success, too. The company I worked for paid me well. They wanted me to stay. They thought I was special.

What's that old saying? Pride goeth before a…

I quit the day job to write. And to support my husband who took a job as a public school principal. And to be there for my kids. And now, things are very different. In my old life, defining success was easy — I worked hard, and those external cues told me I was on the right track. Now I'm not so sure. What is success? Does it mean getting a letter from a reader that says they loved my book? Preparing healthy meals for my kids? Working my butt off on a book and loving the result (regardless of what an editor thinks)? Does it mean a starred review (haven't gotten one yet), nomination for some coveted award (nope, none of those either). How about a bestseller list?

(Gah. This is why you don't want me blogging about my insecurities, people. I can go on and on forever…)

Victoria Schwabe talked in her vlog about her need to work constantly on her career. She described it as the business-y side of her brain working overtime. I have felt a similar drive (I like to call it obsession) and for me, it comes from the difficultly of defining what my GOAL is with this whole crazy writing business. To make people like me? To become a bestseller? In the old job, the boundaries of my work were defined. I knew what was on my to-do list. Now, the to-do list is endless. There is ALWAYS more to be done. And no matter how much I do, I doubt it will ever be enough.

So far (there's always time, people!), I have not made a million dollars or achieved the external measures of success I had established for myself. I am awash with insecurity MOST OF THE TIME in a way I've never experienced before. Yet I'm doing what I love. I am writing. I am caring for my kids. I am crossing my fingers that at some point, more money will fall from the sky and allow me to continue on this path.

I'm pretty sure this is where I'm supposed put on my Mr. Rogers sweater and my comfy shoes and tell the kids what I've learned. Tell you how I'm going to make it all better. But crap, I have NO IDEA what any of this means. Except that writing is a hard, solitary business and unless you get self-actualized QUICK, it's going to make you an insecure mess. Stepping away from the comparisons, the external measures, and society's definition of success (including, of course, MONEY) is essential. As brilliant writer and clearly self-actualized friend Lisa Schroeder said, "I'm doing what I LOVE. We have what we need. Life is good."

Yes. Thanks for summing it up, Lisa. Success is already here. It's just a matter of opening yourself up, letting go of the external crap, and allowing yourself to see that it surrounds you.