Chris A. and Sarah Debate Bears

Sarah: Just when we were starting to think there was nothing in the world that Chris A. and I disagreed on, we were saved from an abrupt end to our award-winning* blog debate series by the Camp and Guts Drive.

Not, you understand, because Chris and I disagree on the idea of donating to your favourite literary nonprofit, and helping launch Camp NaNoWriMo and build a new website for NaNoWriMo. We are both in favour of that and think you should all go and donate right now. (We'll wait.)

No, the schism began when we saw the poster that $50+ donors will receive.

Why? I'll tell you why.

Bears.

You're probably thinking that because I'm Canadian, I'm pro-bear. But you, my blog-reading, donation-making friend, would be wrong. I am anti-bear. Down with bears!

Chris: Hi, Sarah! While I would love to employ all the written debate skills I possess in order to dissuade you from your (quite indefensible) point, I have decided to respond in pictures only.

I will await your response. Thanks.

Sarah: See, this is where your argument falls apart. While those bears may look cuddly and adorable, they are in fact vicious killing machines. All this internet propaganda about bears means that when tourists encounter actual bears in the wild, they do crazy things like try to pose their kids on top of them. They do this, of course, after parking their cars by the side of the highway in such a way as to encourage the next 17 cars full of tourists to stop, and the next thing you know traffic is backed up all the way to Head Smashed In Buffalo Jump. (Yes, that's a real place.)

Plus, then the tourist gets mauled and the paperwork is endless and if there's anything I hate more than traffic, it's paperwork.

And don't get me started on the fictional bears. People seem to think that Yogi Bear is just a lovable scamp, when in fact he is a compulsive eater and a thief. And what is Paddington doing with a hat? Why would a bear need a hat?

Also, the Berenstain Bears are proof that bears completely lack imagination. Who names their kids Brother and Sister? Lame!

The only acceptable bear is a gummi bear.

Chris: The outrageous claims I just read are an affront to my bear-loving eyes. And how do you think those poor polar bear cubs would feel if they heard you saying such things? Anyway, to respond to your first point: bears are just doing their thing. It's not their fault that they are both adorable and majestic creatures that humans love to interact with.

Your point on Yogi Bear is simply silly. Do you think that Sir Tom Cavanagh—star of the hit television show Ed—would agree to be in a star-studded film remake about a "compulsive eater"? I think not! (Okay, he's not really a knight; I made that part up.)

And why would Paddington need a hat? He lives in London! It's rainy! I suppose next you'll ask why he needs boots. Come on, Sarah.

Overall, I give your argument a big one of these:

Sarah: Thanks for reminding the world of the adorable polar bear cub that died, Chris. The only marginally cool polar bear is a panserbjørn.

If there was ever a real bear rampaging through London, people would be fleeing the streets. And has anyone ever stopped to wonder what Paddington had in that suitcase? If a bear showed up at a real camp, there would be havoc! Havoc, I tell you! Sure, it's cute when they show up in a poster for a virtual internet camp, but nobody's laughing when that bear starts ravaging a Boy Scout's rucksack.

I'm pretty sure there's only one way to settle this: we'll go find a bear, and we'll see who's right about its true nature.

Chris: The fact that you call this hypothetical bear "it" speaks volumes. If we encountered him or her in the woods, I think that bear would know who the true friend was.

Also, we do know what Paddington kept in his suitcase. Marmalade sandwiches, because they're delicious. A pure heart, that little fellow, just like all of his ilk.

I think it's time we referred this debate to our readers. Are bears the best, or are they a blight on the forest and camp community? Why do you feel this way? And (besides the wonderful Paddington), who's your favorite bear from literature, TV, movies, or real life?

Sarah: Also, might I suggest that hanging a poster with bears up in your house might offer some kind of protection against actual bears? Good thing you know where you can get a really awesome one. Constant vigilance, people. I can't wait for the swell of comments in support of my anti-bear truthiness.

*The "Chris and Sarah blog debate series" was the winner of the prestigious "Chris and Sarah think this is awesome" award.