How to Talk to a Blended Family

For some reason, many people are confused about how to address members of a blended family.  So, as a member of a blended family, I thought I'd give you all some tips. 

Actually, it's just one tip:  talk to us like we're a family. Duh.  The fact that we are linked by choice rather than biology doesn't make us less of a family.

So, for example, if you run into a parent who's part of a blended family, don't just inquire after their biological child or children.  They are making a choice to raise other children who don't share their DNA. They've made a commitment to care for these children.  Don't assume that they only care about their biological child, and don't show them that you only care about their biological child.  This makes you look like a dick.

If you are inviting someone from a blended family to an event, you should invite everyone you'd normally invite to such a thing.  So, for example, you don't send a wedding invitation to only those members of the family you are related to by shared DNA.  This is a snub to the other members of the family.  And it makes you look like a dick.

If you knew one member of the family from a time when they were with a different partner, you still have to acknowledge both the new spouse and the new children as part of the family.  If the new family structure makes you uncomfortable, you should a)get over yourself and b)not inflict your discomfort on others.

We've been lucky. The great majority of people we know have been very loving and accepting of our family. But there's a small, though not as small as I'd like, minority of people who find small ways to snub our family, to remind us that they don't recognize as legitimate a family not based entirely on biology.

I'd like to say this: blended families should be celebrated. Forging a new family is a difficult and risky task, and when it works out, it's better for everyone.  Don't make it harder on everyone by acting like you don't take their family seriously.

Finally, this: I wrote a book with my friend Trish about two teens who are thrust into a blended family. It's called Notes From the Blender, and it comes out today.  If you're considering buying it, please do--it's funny and heartwarming and awesome. If you can't buy it, please consider asking for it at your local library.  Thanks!