Spring Sucks
Stupid Spring.
Stupid Spiders.
So apparently I am having spider flavored posts lately, which sucks for me. My bathroom has a tiny little portal to Spider Wonderland. I'm way too clueless to check the shower before jumping in and committing to the nudity and wetness required there. So tonight I hop in and start my cleansing, shaving the bits, etc. I look above my head all happy and spot a fucking daddy long legs on the ceiling.
Figures.
So I say, "Fine spider, I hate you. I'll be in this shower for two minutes total. If you don't move, we'll both live through this."
As much as I hate looking at its spindly body, I know I have to keep him in my sights the whole damn time. So I do. I don't trust him and my instincts are right. He starts crawling slowly towards me in the heavy, hot steam.
I tell him, "You are making shitty choices spider." Soon he'll be over my head head and I hate that. So I decide to put my conditioner on, then step out and call the hubby in to get the spider. Decision made, I turn, grab the bottle, and put my beady eyes on the ceiling.
And he's FUCKING GONE!
Gone, gone, gone. Aggghhhhh.
Where is he? He's supposed to stay put, yet he was moving, then he was at least supposed to stay sticky like all god damn spiders, but he's an underachiever or a super ninja attack spider.
Is he in my slippery hair? Is he in the CRACK of my ass? Where the hell did he go?
Hop out. Get full body eebbjeebes. Freak out. Grab towel and spot the bastard. He's slogging his way through the downpour in the tub.
Call husband.
Back against wall and wait to be saved.
The air conditioning vent is level with my butt. If I fart it'll turn into an icicle. The hubby scoops up the spider with a wet piece of toilet paper and I can see the WAVING LEGS.
Then I go back to my shower. Right now, I only have one arm pit shaved and that shower was awful. The best is that these spiders all wait by the portal to their Wonderland and when they see my dumb face bopping into the bathroom, they send one of their team out to torture me.
Spring sucks.
Stupid Spiders.
So apparently I am having spider flavored posts lately, which sucks for me. My bathroom has a tiny little portal to Spider Wonderland. I'm way too clueless to check the shower before jumping in and committing to the nudity and wetness required there. So tonight I hop in and start my cleansing, shaving the bits, etc. I look above my head all happy and spot a fucking daddy long legs on the ceiling.
Figures.
So I say, "Fine spider, I hate you. I'll be in this shower for two minutes total. If you don't move, we'll both live through this."
As much as I hate looking at its spindly body, I know I have to keep him in my sights the whole damn time. So I do. I don't trust him and my instincts are right. He starts crawling slowly towards me in the heavy, hot steam.
I tell him, "You are making shitty choices spider." Soon he'll be over my head head and I hate that. So I decide to put my conditioner on, then step out and call the hubby in to get the spider. Decision made, I turn, grab the bottle, and put my beady eyes on the ceiling.
And he's FUCKING GONE!
Gone, gone, gone. Aggghhhhh.
Where is he? He's supposed to stay put, yet he was moving, then he was at least supposed to stay sticky like all god damn spiders, but he's an underachiever or a super ninja attack spider.
Is he in my slippery hair? Is he in the CRACK of my ass? Where the hell did he go?
Hop out. Get full body eebbjeebes. Freak out. Grab towel and spot the bastard. He's slogging his way through the downpour in the tub.
Call husband.
Back against wall and wait to be saved.
The air conditioning vent is level with my butt. If I fart it'll turn into an icicle. The hubby scoops up the spider with a wet piece of toilet paper and I can see the WAVING LEGS.
Then I go back to my shower. Right now, I only have one arm pit shaved and that shower was awful. The best is that these spiders all wait by the portal to their Wonderland and when they see my dumb face bopping into the bathroom, they send one of their team out to torture me.
Spring sucks.
date
newest »
newest »
message 1:
by
Rachel
(new)
May 24, 2011 03:54AM
Thank goodness for men, right?! Once when we lived in Australia, we found a spider the size of a dinner plate. Not kidding, my mother immediately put bug screens across all windows and doors, had the house fumigated, and would go nowhere without a can of bug-spray.
reply
|
flag
Dude I really hate spiders and there always in the shower or bath just as soon as you put shampoo in your hair you notice it and have a horrible shower and your whole day is ruined because you keep looking around for some stupid spider that you know isn't there but you have to look any way just to feel calmer, and then you tell yourself that you'll alway look before you get into the shower/tub incase of a spider! Then this happens all over again and again because you keep forgetting to look before you get in!
Your Spider Sucks just killed me. Laughed out loud. My daughter had a similar episode in her Caribbean Dominica shower where she was in school. Only she gave the spider no chances at all. It was freak out immediately and hubby got called at first sight.
Bridget's daughter here. Very funny blog - laughed out loud and inwardly cringed remembering my time on Dominica (West Indies). I showered there with a BANANA SPIDER! For the northern folk, these spiders are like suped-up daddy long-legs - they are about 6 inches in diameter, and LOVE to spread their legs out. Ah, the memories. It was 630 am, and I jumped into the shower and was in the process of washing my hair. I turned my head to the side, and in the narrow enclosure of our shower, there was a spider at freaking EYE level. I screamed, hit the shower curtain, skidded across the tile floor naked into the wall on the otherside of the bathroom door. My husband (who was in a deep sleep at that time), thought I was being accosted (I was), woke up and tried to find the spider. That monster somehow managed to disappear off the wall and squished itself up behind my conditioner bottle, trying unsuccessfully to hide. Damn spiders. I had to check out the ENTIRE shower (including moving the shampoo bottles) for the rest of my 12 month stint on the island. Spider wonderland apparently has a portal on the island of Dominica, too.
Loving your spider stories! Haha. Thanks for telling me. Of course I will never shower again, which will not end well.
I live in the Pacific NorthWest. We don't have poisonous snakes, but we do have spiders. We have what are called "Wolf Spiders", which are not poisonous, but are big, hairy and fast. I was racing to catch an early morning ferry when I felt a tickle on my neck as I was driving. I thought a strand of hair was caught in my collar. I reached up to brush it off my neckline and brushed a very big and very hairy wolf spider onto the passenger seat of my car. I was, of course, screaming like I had discovered a rapist hiding in my backseat. The spider promptly scuttled off and under my seat. I am sure that the other early morning drivers thought the woman who leapt out of her car as soon as she pulled in the ferry line had either had had a seizure or lost her mind. Of course, for weeks afterward, I tried to figure out if I could drive without putting my feet on the floor of my car.
Kate wrote: "I live in the Pacific NorthWest. We don't have poisonous snakes, but we do have spiders. We have what are called "Wolf Spiders", which are not poisonous, but are big, hairy and fast. I was racing t..."OH MY GOSH! That is my worst nightmare you poor thing!!! Thanks for sharing. (I think, haha)
lol omg i can just imagine that happening DAMN I haTE SPIDERS
