It's (Arthur) Miller Time: Why Hollywood Starlets Should Date Writers

As a longtime reader of US Weekly, I have observed that unmarried female celebrities—I speak of the Lindsay Lohans and Britney Spearses, the Kirsten Dunsts and Jessica Biehls, the Cameron Diazes and Sandra Bullocks, and various and sundry Kardashian, Hilton, and Olsen sisters—when sourcing potential mates, tend to cast their lines in the same shallow and fetid pond. Their men are either:

a) rock stars (John Mayer, Pete Wentz, Justin Timberlake),

b) athletes (A-Rod, Tony Romo, Reggie Bush),

c) actors (Bradley Cooper, Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Philippe),

d) millionaire playboys (Harry Morton, Cy Waits, François-Henri Pinault),

e) agents/managers (Jordan Bratman, Jason Trawick, Jim Toth), or

f) Brody Jenner.

Not only is the aforementioned pool puddle-sized, but the school of fish swimming in it is exclusive to the point of incest. Aniston, that notorious angler, throws back a Mayer (perhaps because he was too small?), only to have him netted by Jessica Simpson. Madonna tosses an A-Rod back into the water, and he finds himself hooked by Cameron Diaz. And on it goes. But the truth is, none of these guys is a good catch.

These ladies remind me of the owners of professional football teams, who keep hiring the same underwhelming coaches over and over again, valuing their sideline experience more than their career winning percentage. Both keep tapping the same losers to fill their vacancies.

The leads, as Shelley Levene would have it, are weak.

It's gotten to the point where dudes who are not rock stars, athletes, actors, millionaire playboys, agents, managers, or Brody Jenner assume that these A-list babes are unavailable, even if they are, in fact, very much on the market. The ESPN writer Bill Simmons reported that a glaringly dateless Anne Hathaway attended a Los Angeles wedding recently, and none of the single guys in attendance had the stones to hit on her.

What's a girl to do?

It seems to me that these young actress types who find themselves on the path to Anistonian spinsterhood—I'm talking to you, Anne Hathaway!—would do well to look for more fertile fishing grounds.

If you want to find a quality man, ladies, what you need to do is date a writer. A real writer, I might add, not Ethan Hawke or James Franco. We will not ignore you at a wedding, Anne; not only are you beautiful and talented and kind, but you are named Anne Hathaway, and we happen to know that the last writer who married a woman named Anne Hathaway did pretty well for himself.

Although the marriage of the man of letters to the beauty of the silver screen is somewhat out of fashion, it's not like there isn't a precedent. Marilyn Monroe was married to Arthur Miller; by most accounts, this was her happiest nuptual union. Why? Because when it comes to traits you want in a spouse, the profound emotional depth and mordant wit required to write a play as sublime as Death of a Salesman trumps the preternatural hand-eye coordination and rugged constitution it takes to hit in 56 straight games.

As precedents go, moreover, you could do worse; Marilyn Monroe is only the single most iconic film actress of all time.

 

 

But don't take her word for it. Here are eight reasons why, when seeking love, Hollywood's single ladies should look not to the A-list at the Chateau Marmont, but the best-seller list at the New York Times:

1. Our work schedule is easily adaptable to yours.

If you're dating a rock star, athlete, actor, millionaire playboy, or agent/manager, your boyfriend has a demanding schedule that requires him to spend many nights of the year away from home. (Note: this does not apply to Brody Jenner). Absence may make the heart grow fonder, as the old saw goes, but that burgeoning fondness is usually for the cute chick who's where your boyfriend is, and not you. Writers, conversely, can work anywhere. We can accompany you to the four-month film shoot in Romania, or the press junket in Tokyo, or the wedding in Lake Como. This is because…

2. We don't go on tour.

"Book tour" is really a euphemism for "a handful of readings at bookstores within an hour's drive of where we live, spread out over a few weekends the month the novel releases." We're home. A lot. And we're all too happy to procrastinate by hanging out with you and slinging gossip about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Furthermore, because we don't go on tour…

3. We don't have groupies.

Some of us may have middle-aged housewives who have had a few too many glasses of chardonnay at the Wednesday book club meeting, true, and God bless them. But they can't hold a candle (or a Kindle) to you.

4. We're not constantly looking to upgrade.

If we're married to Jennifer Aniston, we're going to teach her the meaning of the word uxorious (and probably a lot of other big words, too). We're not going to worry about her Q rating, or what her next film project is, or how the marriage affects our "brand," and we're certainly not going to leave her for Angelina Jolie. Now, if Jolie came calling, we'd at least be tempted; we're not made of stone. But she won't come calling, because…

5. Our job doesn't involve getting naked and having simulated sex with beautiful naked women.

A good actor whose character is supposed to fall in obsessive love with Mila Kunis will fall in obsessive love with her in real life, especially if he spends a few days lying in bed with her, wearing only flesh-colored briefs, nibbling at her earlobes and neck, tweaking her supple nipples, and plunging his tongue down her quivering throat. When a writer gets naked and has simulated sex with Mila Kunis, instead of employing as a prop the actual person of Mila Kunis, he uses his hand.

6. We're not materialistic.

Unless we are Stephen King or Tom Clancy or the guy who wrote A Series of Unfortunate Events, we do not have, and will never have, more dough than you. (We're not net-worthy!) The only portfolios we own are stuffed with pages of old manuscripts. But we're not gold-diggers, either. Unlike K-Fed or that ex-third-string football player you might be engaged to, if your name is Jessica Simpson, we pull our own weight. And we add something to the equation that money can't buy, namely…

7. We make you seem smart.

Put it this way: What makes you sound more like a woman of substance when you introduce your beau at a dinner party? Choose one: a) "This is my boyfriend, the recovering heroin addict who used to play bass in Mötley Crüe. He has a new memoir out," or, b) "This is my boyfriend, the National Book Award winner who used to be the president of PEN. He has a new novel out." If you want people to take you seriously, Denise Richards, the first thing you have to do is eighty-six your Nikki Sixx and find yourself a Nick Flynn (No one thinks Lili Taylor is a space cadet, and it's not just because she didn't play one in Starship Troopers. Coincidence? I think not!).

But the most compelling reason to date a writer is…

8. We're loyal.

We may know drama, but we want to write about it, not live with it. If Justin Timberlake were a funny-albeit-overrated novelist and not a funny-albeit-overrated pop star, he would not leave you hanging, Jessica Biehl; he'd lock that down; he'd like it and then he'd put a ring on it. Amanda Peet and Brooke Shields are both married to writers. It's no coincidence that when they appear in the tabloids, the headlines say things like aren't these babies cute and look at the happy mommies. Writers are so faithful, in fact, that I can't think of a single single major straight author. Which tells you all you need to know.

 

 

—Greg Olear is The Nervous Breakdown's senior editor and the author of the novels Totally Killer and Fathermucker. He is happily married, so buzz off.