Self-Doubt in the Land of Art
There is no going back now. The first book is out there. On one hand it is just a collection of short fun zombie stories I put together. On the other hand I wrote it and my own lingering self-doubt tends to dominate my thought process. I have ventured off into unknown territory and I am not going to lie, I am terrified.
What if no one likes it? What if it just sits in the online store for months on end drawing not a whiff of interest? Does this mean at long last I have to admit to myself there is no future here? Is it confirmation that I am just another deluded person who thinks they can write? Do I get to pack up the dreams into the hope chest and lock it away in the closet?
I don't know the answers to these questions. Next month my first novel will be out there for everyone to see. A few months later the seoncd. In fact, over the next six months I have three books ready to go. I have one in the editing stage and one almost done. Within the next year it is very likely I will have six books for sale. Only, what if I throw this book party and no one comes? Where do I go from there? It really scares me in a way I can't begin to describe.
I spent almost an hour with my finger hovering above the publish button on A Very Zombie Holiday. I actually had to will myself into doing it. I have spent a lot of years in my life being told I couldn't do this thing called writing. I then spent a lot of years believing it. Now I am just taking a leap of faith. I am not stupid. I know that just because I put it out there doesn't mean it will sell. This doesn't worry me nearly as much as the thought, "what if it is bad?"
When I decided to do this my only desire was to have people who were not friends and family read my writing and enjoy it. My self-doubt is like a plague hanging onto my skin. The book was published on Saturday and luckily I was really busy and didn't think about it much. Today, I haven't been able to stop. All the self-doubt gets tangled up in my brain and it feels like a dark cloud beginning to hover. I know my old enemy depression is hovering near by and I am trying to ignore it.
Despite all of this I did it and I am pround that I did. I love to write. I hope some people love to read what I write. I don't know what is next for me if I keep putting out books and no one reads them. I am kind of stubborn so I imagine I will just keep writing. I am not unique in this world of depression or self-doubt but I am trying very hard to not let it control me. It's all a grand adventure now. Thanks to all of my friends and family who encourage me. Who stand by me and say, "don't be stupid, hit the publish button."
A Very Zombie Holiday US Amazon Link
