A taste of things to come

Here's an excerpt from the title story of my new book, Attack of the Vampire Weenies and Other Warped and Creepy Tales.


I ignored the doorbell. I knew who was out there. I knew what he wanted. It rang again.

"Get it, jerk!" my sister yelled from upstairs.

I'd rather chew on a light bulb than turn that door knob. But I didn't want Tammy angry with me. The last time she got really mad, she painted splash marks on the front of all of my pants with clear nail polish, so it looked like I'd had an accident. The time before that, she'd emailed all my friends baby pictures of me getting a bath in the sink.

Hoping I was wrong about who was out there, I turned the knob, then opened the door halfway and stared up at the vampire. He wore a black cape with a red lining. His hair was slicked back so it glistened in the moonlight. His cheeks were pale white. Dark circles made his eyes look like they had sunk into his skull. He started to step into the hallway.

"You have to be invited," I said. "That's the rule."

He shoved the door, knocking me back. "Get lost, squirt."

"It's the rule!" I shouted as he pushed past me. "A vampire can't enter a home unless he's invited. Everyone knows that."

He walked over to the stairs and called up, "Hey, Tammy! I'm here. Come on. The party's already started."

"I'll be right down," she said.

Dalton -- that's the name of my sister's boyfriend -- went into the living room and plopped down on the couch.

I followed him. "You can't sit there."

He glared at me. "What's your problem?"

"It's not my problem, it's yours." I pointed at the small cross that hung on the wall between the photo of Grandma and the painting of a cactus my parents had bought last year when we were on vacation in Arizona. "Vampire's can't stand the sight of a cross."

He leaned forward and put his hand on my shoulder. "Look, kid. I am a vampire. So don't tell me what I can and can't do. Just go read your comic books, or whatever it is that gives you all those ridiculous ideas."

"You're not a vampire," I said. "You're just a vampire wanna-be. Wait -- I know -- you're a vampire weenie. That's what you are."

"What did you say?" His eyes got dangerous. For an instant, he almost looked like someone who could drain the blood from my body. "Come on -- open that smart mouth again."

He got up from the couch. I took a step back.

Tammy drifted into the room. "Okay, I'm ready. Let's go."

Dalton seemed to forget I even existed. I guess he liked the way she looked.

I can't imagine how anyone -- except maybe an undertaker -- would feel that way. She was wearing a long, white dress and too much makeup. The circles around her eyes were larger than his. Her cheeks were white, but with a touch of red. That was wrong, too. Vampire skin is as white and lifeless as the belly of a dead fish.

He touched her cheek. "You sparkle."

She touched his. "So do you."

They headed out.

"For crying out loud -- vampires don't sparkle!" I shouted as the door closed. Okay, it was after the door closed. But I was angry, now, and felt like yelling. "You aren't vampires. You're just big kids playing dress up and acting moody. You don't know the rules, you stupid sparkly vampire wanna-be weenies!"

I could feel my own blood boiling. Tammy and her friends were all giggly and weird about vampires. They had vampire parties all the time, where they drank strawberry soda, cherry punch, and even tomato juice. They read books and watched movies where the vampire was always this unbelievably handsome guy. That was so totally wrong. They didn't know anything.

A vampire isn't some sort of handsome prince. And a vampire definitely isn't some gloomy teenager who flunked algebra twice and likes to pick on his girlfriend's little brother. A vampire isn't a girl who's read some stupid book seventeen times and thinks she can become one of the characters.

A vampire is a blood-sucking horror who sleeps in a coffin filled with his native soil, lives with bats, rats, and spiders, and carries nothing inside of himself but death and disease. A vampire shies away from crosses, and can't stand the odor of garlic. He needs permission to enter a house. Holy water burns his skin. He'll die if he's exposed to sunlight, or if you drive a wooden stake through his heart. But, even with a stake through his heart, he won't remain dead unless you chop off his head and stuff the neck with garlic.

Tammy and her friends would know this if they read the right books -- the old books. But they'd rather dress-up in silly costumes and drink fake blood than learn the truth.

My parents were out -- they go out all the time -- which meant I was alone in the house. That was fine with me. I went up to my room to play Soldiers and Snipers. I might know everything there is to know about vampires but, unlike Tammy, I had other interests, too. Like online multiplayer shooters.

I heard Tammy and Dalton when they came back late that evening.

"We should have the next party here," Tammy said.

"What about your parents?" Dalton asked.

"They'll be out of town next weekend," Tammy said.

I already knew about that. Dad was going to some sort of convention in Boston. Mom was tagging along, since seeing Boston was probably a lot more fun than staying home with her kids.

"What about your brother?" Dalton asked.

During the pause that followed his question, I felt a shiver ripple across my skin.

"We can lock him in the basement or something," Tammy said.

Great. They were going to have a party with all their stupid vampire friends, and I'd get to sit in the dark on the basement stairs, listening to footsteps on the ceiling, waiting for them to let me out.

I stormed downstairs. "No way you're locking me in the basement."

Tammy almost looked guilty, but Dalton grinned. "We'll do whatever we want. You have no power over us, mortal. Begone, or I will unleash my fury upon you."

"Vampires don't grin, either," I said. "And I do have power. I'll tell my parents."

"You do and you're dead," Dalton said.

"Then I'll die happy." I stood my ground. I knew they had to give in. They wanted their party more than I wanted to escape a beating. "Look, I don't care about your stupid party. I won't even come downstairs. I'll stay in my room. But there's no way you're locking me up."

Dalton looked at Tammy. Tammy looked back at him. They both shrugged.

"Just keep out of the way," she said.

"That's exactly what I'm planning to do."

But as I headed back upstairs, I realized I wanted to do one other thing, too. If all of Tammy's vampire weenie friends were coming to a vampire party, I was going to give them just what they were asking for.

The idea was so perfect, I froze on the steps when it hit me. Somehow, somewhere, I was going to find a real vampire, and get him to come. That would teach them a lesson.