Move that bus, heaven edition.

(I met Matt Riggins a while ago at a Catalyst event. Here is he checking in with his first guest post, which I thought was great. Especially the whale part! Enjoy. )

In a recent post about my grandmothers entrance into heaven, I mentioned the idea that Jesus is like our great Ty in the Sky. Basically, while we're down here living in the slums of earth, Jesus – let me remind you, a carpenter – is in Heaven preparing us a place that will make Ty Pennington and ABC's Extreme Makeover's greatest accomplishment on earth barely fit into the trailer parks of heaven.

I was thinking about what it will really be like when Jesus finally shows us the mansion that He has been building for us for the last 2000 years. I'm guessing that since Extreme Makeover has become so popular down here on earth that the disciples got together and convinced Jesus that from now on they should have their own "Move that Bus" ceremony. However, since the bus idea was already taken, they decided to go a different route. I believe these were the ideas they came up with:

"Move that Whale"

Ever since Jonah was spit up onto the beach, the whale has been a missing character of the Bible. And since we didn't see the whale show up on any episode of LOST, we have reason to believe that God ushered the great fish (Seinfeld edit: mammal!) up to swim in Heaven's Crystal Sea. However, since no one is running from God in heaven, and the whale's only skill was swallowing people who were running for God, the disciples decided to teach the whale a new trick. It just so happened that a former Sea World employee was a believer so it made this task much easier. They taught the whale to block the mansions while the new arrivals line up outside. Then all together everyone shouts "move that whale" and off he goes back to sea – and a new member of the family gets their house.

"Move that Ark"

You know how big the houses are going to be in Heaven? HUGE! You know what can block the entire house so you can't see it when you're standing out front? A boat the size of ONE and a half FOOTBALL fields! The ultimate Heaven welcoming party would include the great crowd of witnesses standing outside of your house shouting "Move that Ark" and then when the boat floats away, Moses shows up, raises his shaft and voila! the waters part – Red Sea style – giving you dry land to walk across to get to your front door.

"Move that Mountain"

You don't think God can move mountains? You've obviously never heard the song "Mighty to Save". Of course he can move the mountains if Hillsong, heaven's future house band, wrote a song about it. You think there are no mansions big enough that need a mountain blocking them? Think again my friend! This one is reserved for missionaries and anyone else who has been completely sold out, spending their lives "storing their treasure in heaven". For you slaves of Christ, Jesus has been building your house for so long that it will take an entire mountain range to hide it from your eyes when you get to Heaven. As you walk up to Heaven's Himalaya's – wondering if God has another Elijah and the prophets moment prepared to dazzle your eye and commemorate your arrival, the crowd begins to shout "Move that Mountain" and then God shows off, blowing the mountain out of the way, revealing your giant mansion. You will need boxes of tissues to wipe the tears as you realize your life spent in the Amazon jungles was totally worth it.

"Move that Stone"

The greatest event in Christianity and all of humanity took place on Easter morning two thousand years ago. The morning the stone rolled away and out walked Jesus after being in the grave for three short days. Perhaps when we get to Heaven, God will put us in a little holding area, just teasing us with little hints giving us previews of our house or showing us clips of our old house being torn down. Meanwhile we are being primped up with heavenly manicures and pedicures to get us ready – and then 3 days after arriving onto the scene everyone begins to shout "move that stone!" and out of nowhere a GIANT stone rolls away and there sits our beautiful mansion. What a better way to remind us how it was even possible that we are there.

So clearly these were intended to be funny, and not designed to open a deep theological debate on prosperity. (Although if you listen closely, you can hear the Jesus Jukes multiplying like bunnies right now.) Can you imagine the houses in Heaven? What tactic do you think Jesus will use to reveal to us our beautiful mansion?

(For more great stuff from Matt, check out his blog.)