The Acceptance Paradox
Acceptance of what is is the only path to change.
We must accept, with clear and calm awareness,
that our world is gravely wounded,
dysfunctional, and deluded.
We must not turn our eyes away,
pretending not to notice.
We must not believe that if we grit our teeth,
and try a little harder to make things work,
that all will turn out fine.
We must empty ourselves of hope
that the road our world is traveling
will lead to peace and freedom.
We must abandon all the things
that we’ve been told will lead to satisfaction.
We must give up trying to be right,
and let the Tao begin to live our life.
Only then will space appear,
an empty womb in which
a new world might be born.
From The Activist’s Tao Te Ching, Chapter 22, by William Martin
Why don’t people who live in abusive situations get out of them? Why do abused spouses remain with the abuser? Why do people stay with jobs that are literally killing them, robbing their lives of all joy? What stops us from making the changes that we know, at some level, are necessary to our health and survival?
I remember my days of working as a psychotherapist. I would sometimes sit with a person who was living with a abusive mate. Month after month, year after year, this person would continue to stay in an abusive situation because, circling endlessly in their mind, just under the radar of consciousness, ran the message, “This is your responsibility. It is your duty, obligation, and moral imperative to find a way to behave that stops this person from abusing you. If you were patient enough, compassionate enough, smart enough, and good enough you would be able to fix this problem. Until you find that way, you just have to do the best you can and try to survive.”
Until this client somehow found the ability to wake up with a loud, “ENOUGH!” screaming from their lips, nothing would ever change. Until they accepted, deep within their bones, the reality of the situation they would continue to allow the abuse and continue to believe that there should be something they could do to change the abuser into someone other than who they were.
As the mother of all dysfunctional electoral seasons continues to unfold before our bewildered and astonished eyes, I find myself with an uncomfortable realization: This . is . abusive! I hear the familiar tape being played in my head that has been playing all of my life. The message runs; “This is your responsibility. It is your duty, obligation, and moral imperative to find a way to campaign, support, vote, and be active in politics until you find a way to stop this system from abusing you. If you were active enough and informed enough; if you marched enough and shouted enough; if you were eloquent enough and persuasive enough; if you gave enough and worked enough, you would be able to make this system work. Until you are able to do that, you will have to keep on trying because it is the best system available. Trust us, it will work out.”
Voting for a “third party” won’t help. The electoral system will not allow a third party to be heard or represented on an equitable basis. Apathetic withdrawal won’t help. Apathy is just another way of giving the abusive party in a relationship permission to continue the abuse. “Oh, well. He’s just who he is. Nothing I can do.” The only thing that will allow for true change will be for the abused party to fully accept the reality of the situation and walk away from the relationship; totally, cleanly, with no compromises or promises to return.
We must have a revolution. From a Taoist perspective, it must be a peaceful and non-violent revolution that begins with the willingness to walk away from the abuse. But it is important to note that when an abused spouse finds the willingness to leave the relationship, they enter a period of terrifying emptiness and darkness. Everything they had learned to count on, no matter how dysfunctional, is now gone and a long period of fear and groundlessness ensues. If we find the courage to walk away from the abuse we collectively have been enduring, we will need to build systems of support, encouragement, creative thinking, experimental approaches, and compassion for each other at a local, sustainable, and appropriate level.
Until a massive collective shout of, “ENOUGH!” echoes through society, we will continue to vote and pretend that we are doing something good, civic, and constructive. We will continue to expend enormous amounts of physical and psychological energy in a wasted effort that simply gives permission for an oligarchy of a small number of very wealthy and powerful people to pretend it is a democracy, after all, they let us vote. Instead of compliance with this charade, let us take the energy we would expend on this futile abusive relationship and dedicate it to stepping away into an unknown, frightening, yet ultimately hopeful and creative future. Let’s build a new way of being with each other that is authentic and consistent with our deepest longings.
(Do I know how to do this? Not really. I’m figuring it out as I go along. So are we all. Let’s figure it out together. I’ll continue writing my thoughts, life-style experiments, and occasional rants as part of my own contribution.)
Liberte′
Bill
