An Interview with Troll Fucker

The following article was included in yesterday’s print edition of the Gwardean:

An Interview with Troll Fucker by Benedict Fuss

Anyone familiar with the name Rupert Dreyfus will no doubt be aware of his short documentary film Sentenced which explores the dark side of social media. It was based on a true story which was later included in his collection of journalistic work The Rebel’s Sketchbook. The collection was well received in some circles, but it still had its fair share of critics who Dreyfus dismisses as ‘humourless gorgons from the Planet Arsebag’.

Regardless, nobody could’ve predicted the fatal end for the subject of his documentary and just why Saul had resorted to taking his own life on a livestream. But it is for this reason that Sentenced will always be remembered as an exposé of the mind of the troll and the devastating consequences it can have on not only individuals but also the general public.

Troll Fucker was never caught by the authorities but in a bizarre, Hollywoodesque twist Dreyfus found himself as his next target and no less than a year after the film was first released.

‘I became aware of Troll Fucker’s stalking tactics not long after some fake friend requests and star ratings appeared on a website called Goodreads,’ Dreyfus tells me as he flaps around in his seat. ‘At first I was flattered, but soon I decided to investigate further because I’ve always been interested in trolls. Without mentioning any names, I have a fair few friends who are at the top of the hacking game and they managed to locate an address for me in no time at all. Turns out all these profiles were being set up in the same location.’

What Dreyfus did next led to one of the most unusual encounters of the new millennium: he packed up a suitcase and travelled to the exact location the trolling was coming from.

‘I didn’t know what I was going to find,’ he tells me. ‘I was a little bit nervous because I’d been studying the psychology of trolls for quite some time and had learned that they’re pretty unstable. But when the person came to the door, I couldn’t believe who was standing before me.’

I ask Dreyfus how Troll Fucker had reacted on that strange day back in June of 2016.

‘Tears came to his eyes and he fell to his knees. He started bawling as he hugged at my legs. I let him carry on for a couple of minutes, but when he started using my jeans as a snot rag I asked him to grow up. He then invited me into his dungeon.’

Dreyfus took Troll Fucker up on the offer and went inside the ‘dungeon’.

‘It really was a dungeon,’ Dreyfus says as he squints his eyes. ‘I’d never seen anything like it. It smelled worse than summertime public transport. I lost count of how many times I puked up when I was in there.’

When Troll Fucker had finally composed himself the two gentlemen sat together in a room which, Dreyfus recalls, had streaks of human faeces splattered across the walls.

‘It looked like Jackson Pollock had been wiping his arse all over the place,’ Dreyfus tells me with a wince. ‘Troll Fucker tried to pass it off as his artwork, but I think it was really one giant clue as to how little this person gets to interact with people of the opposite sex.’

Dreyfus had taken a Dictaphone with him and so he placed it on the table between them. The following is an excerpt of the transcript of some of that interesting conversation. It’s one of the most insightful interviews ever held between human and troll on record.

Dreyfus: Trolling is a recent phenomenon. What were trolls doing before the internet?

Troll Fucker: Well, I was always lonely. I couldn’t make any friends or get a girlfriend, and I’d fallen out with all my family. It wasn’t their fault; I just couldn’t help being a permanent cunt.

Dreyfus: What was your upbringing like?

Troll Fucker: That’s the strange thing. It was mostly normal until the day that I began to stick the family cat inside the microwave just for a laugh. That’s when the downward spiral began for me. I just hated everything that had a pulse and the only thing I could do in order to deal with my burning hatred for humankind was stick the family cat inside the microwave until I heard it go meow!

Dreyfus: Tell me about the cat.

Troll Fucker: It was a tomcat and it was ginger.

Dreyfus: What was he called?

Troll Fucker: I called it Little Bastard.

Dreyfus: Tell me about school.

Troll Fucker: I was bullied all the time. But it’s only because I bullied everyone else so they all clubbed together and would bully me back. I was really unpopular by the time I was thirteen. I also smelled bad because I realised that if I didn’t shower regular then I’d quickly begin to hum. This was great because it would make the kids around me puke up. It was really just another way at getting back at the world.

Dreyfus: Is that why the walls are covered in your own pooh?

Troll Fucker: No, they’re some self-portraits I’ve been painting over the years using oils and canvas.

Dreyfus: Why do you think you became a troll?

Troll Fucker: My life has always been not worth the paper it’s written on. I just needed a way to vent and when you’re pretty much housebound because you have no life, trolling is the only way out.

Dreyfus: Your actions have resulted in at least one suicide. How does that make you feel?

Troll Fucker: I’m clearly a cunt. I’m not proud of the fact. I wish I could stop being a cunt but I don’t know how. That’s all I’ve got to say about the matter.

Dreyfus: So you don’t feel bad?

Troll Fucker: I’m a troll; I don’t feel anything. I’m a dead man walking.

Dreyfus: Where did you get the idea for Sentenced?

Troll Fucker: Fuck you, I’m not going to answer that. Next question.

[Long pause]

Dreyfus: Any love interests?

Troll Fucker: It’s always been a one way street. There was this one girl when I was a kid but she went missing before I got a chance to stalk her properly. I don’t really want to talk about it because for a long time I was the main suspect although I must stress that I was eventually cleared of all charges. All I will say is that shortly after, the cat in the microwave incidents started to happen and that’s when I knew there was no turning back.

Dreyfus: If you had one message for the people of the world–one message that would help people to understand what makes people like you tick–what would it be?

Troll Fucker: I do it because… I do it because I can’t sleep.

Two days after this interview Troll Fucker was found dead in an otherwise empty bath. The coroner’s report indicates that he died of a stink-related illness and that the bath had never once been used.

At the end of my time with Dreyfus I ask him if he can envision a solution to this troll crisis. He looks at me with sorrowful eyes and says: ‘I hope for the sake of our species we can come together and find a way to help these people back into our society; that instead of turning our backs on them, we find a solution to this madness. We have to find a way of living side by side. It’ll take time, but throughout history the human spirit has overcome many obstacles. We just need to remember that everyone has their story – even trunts like Troll Fucker.’

Reproduced with kind permission of the Guandiarn.