Keeping it real.

So you know how last week I posted about skipping the scale and wanting to preserve a little self worth in the process, and everything was going to be just fine, and blah, blah, blah?

I don't think I was being completely honest with you.

Well, I thought I was. I mean, I really am trying to keep it real, as they say, and report the highs and the lows of this Move More, Eat Less quest.

If I was truly keeping it real last week, I would have really let loose and freed my inner whiner. I would have let her have a no holds barred field day. I would have just let those virtual tears of Debbie Downer woe floweth.

I did have a hard month. I am working through some things in my personal life right now that are challenging me to look at who I am and how I operate in the world and how I can make changes to be a much better person for the duration that I get to be here.

Life isn't easy. It is, however, an amazing gift. But that doesn't always guarantee that the ride is going to be bump-free.

I have completely fallen off the Eat Less wagon. I have let carbs and sugar back into my life and they are trying to get a solid foothold. I have put on 17 pounds from my lowest weight back in October. I'm at 159.4 right now.

Does this make me a bad person? Hell no. Does it tell me I'm slipping up in a big way? Hell yes.

Sometimes I confuse being gentler and kinder to myself with eating more cookies. Sound familiar to anyone? Sometimes, I love myself with sugar. In those moments, I say, "I don't care." In those moments, I say, "I can handle this."

A couple of blog readers called BS on me for my post last week. Initially, I was kind of pissed off. Mostly because I don't feel like I'm presenting an overly whine-laden record of late. I feel like I'm trying to show a balance of what success looks and feels like, and what it doesn't look and feel like.

Tough love works for some people. Sometimes, it works for me. But sometimes I can't hear a word of it because of the enormous roar of indignation bouncing between my ears that drowns everything else out.

The facts are these: I lost a lot of weight during a period of time in which I lived a black and white life. Then I started to loosen up a bit. (Sex muffins, anyone?) Then I realized when I play fast and loose with the rules, I see the kind of results I'm not really shooting for.

It's not that I can't eat a muffin here or there. But I don't want just one. I want 5. Possibly 6.

I definitely have much work to do to sort it all out.

I know there are a lot of you for whom this either resonates, or for whom this gets tiresome, or for whom it just pisses off.

Everyone's issues are unique, but for many of us, there is definitely a common thread.

I don't have all the answers today, but I'm absolutely not giving up the quest to understand how to make this particular area of my life click.

Back on the horse, and riding.