Renegade A to Z – C is for…

… confidence. And lack thereof.

The last month has been an even steeper learning curve than usual. I've been organising book launches (organising events in the real world has never been one of my strong points) and also learning what it is like to have the added demands of promoting a book along side all of the plates I keep spinning already.

I was hoping that once the first launch party was under my belt, the others would be easier, or at least a little less nerve-wracking.

I was wrong. It's just over 48 hours until my launch party in Shepton Mallet, and on Saturday there is the London book launch, and, again, I am so nervous I feel sick.

Just like the last time, my body is full of adrenalin and I am having nightmares every night. My Dad says that confidence is like a muscle, it gets stronger the more you use it. It just seems like my confidence muscle doesn't work very well.

It may be hard to believe, but there was a time in my life when I wasn't like this. I don't want to go into the reasons why I'm like this now, this isn't the right place to do it. What's important is that I think this is why I still try and do all these things that terrify me, because deep down, I know I should be doing them. I know I am capable on a deep level, there's just a thick pile of anxious rubbish piled on top of it that crushes me constantly.

It might also be why I am good at appearing to be confident. So many people have looked surprised when I've confessed how frightened I was during an event or something or other. "But you looked so confident, I never would have guessed!" they say, but I know how afraid I was, I know what was hidden under the act.

Maybe I need to see it the other way around. Maybe I need to start seeing what they perceive as how I really am, and that all of this gut-wrenching before and after is an out-dated symptom of an extreme defence mechanism, put in place many years ago when life was just too hard for me to deal with in any other way.

There is one benefit of a lack of confidence however; it prevents another c;

Complacency

This is one thing I could never be accused of! I never, ever believe that just because I have succeeded in something once, I will do so again. It's an exhausting way to live, but it helps me to achieve the things I set my heart upon. One day, I hope I'll be able to do this without the tiring part.