“The Bachelorette” men are the worst: 7 reasons why this season is going to be a glorious disaster

The Bachelorette

"The Bachelorette" contestants Daniel, Brandon and Will (Credit: ABC)


In anticipation of the May 23 premiere of “The Bachelorette,” ABC has released photos and biographies of the 26 men vying for Jojo’s heart — or a lucrative career as an Instagram influencer, at the very least. But don’t let the puppy dog eyes and Crest White Strip smiles fool you. Based on the bios alone, we speculate that underneath some of these V-neck tees beat hearts of darkness.


Pour yourself a glass of white wine and enjoy 7 “Bachelorette” contestants we would never want to date.




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"The Bachelorette" men are the worst: 7 reasons why this season is going to be a glorious disaster


Brandon, 28, "Hipster"
This self-proclaimed "hipster" by trade — that's right, not an artisanal chocolatier or re-claimed wood whittler but a generic "hipster" — doesn't even have any tattoos. (He does list one of his best attributes as "humble," though).







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"The Bachelorette" men are the worst: 7 reasons why this season is going to be a glorious disaster


Evan, Erectile Dysfunction Expert, 33
Believe it or not, the worst thing about Evan isn't his career. His biggest deal-breaker is: "Girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers, girls who have serious food allergies." Jabbing yourself in the leg with an Epi pen actually sounds preferable to a date with him.







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"The Bachelorette" men are the worst: 7 reasons why this season is going to be a glorious disaster


Daniel, Male Model, 31


A "male model" who refers to his body as a "lambo" not once, but twice, in a biography that he presumably had time to mull over. (Example: "Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public?" "Very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?”)







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"The Bachelorette" men are the worst: 7 reasons why this season is going to be a glorious disaster


Nick S., Software Salesman, 26


Not only does Nick S. take neckerchief fashion cues from Fred of "Scooby-Doo," but he lists the food he dislikes most as “scary cheeses.” Bad-mouthing cheese is like bad-mouthing our best friend. Deal-breaker, Nick S. Deal-breaker.







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"The Bachelorette" men are the worst: 7 reasons why this season is going to be a glorious disaster


Grant, Firefighter, 27


On the one hand, Grant is the sexy firefighter of our dreams. On the other hand, his worst date memory is “Getting lunch with a girl and listening to her talk about Harry Potter for 20 minutes” — which actually doesn’t sound like enough time spent talking about the British national treasure.







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"The Bachelorette" men are the worst: 7 reasons why this season is going to be a glorious disaster


Vinny, Barber, 28


Vinny, who somehow lives the paradoxical life of being a professional barber and existing with this haircut.







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"The Bachelorette" men are the worst: 7 reasons why this season is going to be a glorious disaster


Will, Civil Engineer, 26


If Will could switch bodies with anyone for a day it would be serial womanizer and self-proclaimed “recovered ego addict” John Mayer so... um... yeah, enough said.






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Published on May 16, 2016 13:26
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