Hardship

Hardship

We all go through hardship. It almost seems ridiculous to think otherwise. Of course, some face far, far more than most. I am not one of those people. I've had my ups and downs, but I've been very fortunate, overall. (And I guess I should add, "so far," because you never know, right?)

If you can back away from the immediacy, pain, and sometimes downright despair of hardship, however--in other words, remove yourself emotionally--it's interesting to examine how people cope with it. Both their own and the hardship of others.

If the pain and bad fortune is your own, well, you have just a few choices, really. You can let it overwhelm you and just give up (one way or another). You can wallow in the misery. You can try to ignore it and soldier on. Or you can try to do something about it. The first two are just bad options. I've seen people choose them, though, and it's hard to watch. To be clear, I'm talking about those who choose those options long-term. When tragedy strikes or hardship rears its ugly head, sometimes you need a day of pure grief. Or a week. Or a month. Or however long. There's nothing wrong with that. It's appropriate in most cases. In fact, it's sort of commendable, I think, to just let it all out and be true to yourself and your own emotions.

The third option at least gets you moving, but ignoring things doesn't make them go away. That's just avoidance with a brave face and eventually you're going to have to stare the hardship in the eye and make one of the other choices. It's not being honest with yourself and your own emotions. Ignoring your problems is just a delaying tactic. (Sometimes, of course, delaying things until you're ready to face them is a fine strategy.) The fourth option is the only one, ultimately, that's going to let you get through whatever it is that you're facing. When you're right there in the middle of your sorrow, if you can just take a look at yourself, it helps, I think. I mean, step away from your situation and your feelings about it and look at yourself from someone else's point of view. Are you dealing with the problem, even a little bit, or are you just laying there on the bed, miserable? If the former, the realization that you're trying can give you strength and confidence that in turn will help you try even harder tomorrow. It's good to be proud of yourself in that way.

Of course, "dealing" with it might mean making mistakes. In fact, it's very likely that--when you're distraught--you're doing to make mistakes. Probably mistakes you wouldn't have made if you were thinking more clearly rather than having everything clouded with despair. Holding someone accountable in such a situation, at least as accountable as you would someone not in that situation, certainly seems unjustified. Trying to cope (or trying to make things better) and failing is better than not trying at all.

If the hardship is someone else's, you have three options, assuming it's someone you care about. You can ignore it. You can help commiserate. Or you can actually try to help solve the problem. Like before, the first option is a poor one. Ignoring your friend or loved one when they're in need shows a real lack of maturity, compassion, and depth. (Although sometimes, people ignore the hardship of others if they, themselves are in pain in their own situation. Every situation is different.) It also may be that you don't know your friend is encountering hardship. Some people don't like to share their pain--they don't want to burden their friends, or they don't want to be embarrassed. This, I have come to learn over time, is a mistake, generally speaking. Ask for help and you'll get it. Tell people you're in need, and they'll jump to the chance to give you a hand. In fact, I'll go so far as to say, most people like to help their friends. It makes them feel good. It strengthens the relationship, creating a powerful bond that works both ways. Some day, positions will be reversed and the helper will need help themselves. But even if that latter point is not true, it doesn't matter. People like to feel needed, they like to feel like they're helping and making a difference in the life of someone they care about.

The second option is perhaps the best one. Just offer to be there for the person in need. Listen. Offer a shoulder to cry on. Don't make judgments or even offer advice (unless asked). Just be a presence in their life that shows them that they're not alone. The value of that is almost immeasurable. You may not feel like you've done much, but the person you're helping will feel like you've done a lot.

The third option works only if there really is something you can do, and often you can't. If you can, great. Consider this, though: sometimes what you can offer isn't a solution to a person's problem, but instead different ways to help out. If your friend lost their job, you probably can't offer them one, but you can offer to babysit their kids one day while they look for a new one.  You can make them dinner. You can lend them your car, pick them up at the airport, or let them do laundry at your house. Sometimes, it's just these kinds of little things which can really make a difference. It's a small matter to you to let someone sleep on your couch one night. A tiny inconvenience. It's a huge matter to them because they might not have anywhere else to go, and sleeping in one's car is no fun. Or think of it this way: helping a friend move his or her couch into the back of a truck is a tiny hassle for you. It's heavy, and it takes a little while. But to the other person, your help makes moving the couch possible. Without you, it can't be done. A small inconvenience for you, the difference between success and failure to the other guy.

Hardship tests us as people and as friends. It's horrible, but maybe we can come out the other side of it stronger, or at least with a better understanding of life and of ourselves.