I adore the friendships in the Raven Cycle. I had some very strong friendships in high school and college. After that though, people started moving away, marrying, having kids, and our friendships faded. I still have people I consider very good friends, bu

Dear berylline,

Before you listen to my advice on friending, you should keep in mine the nature of the friendships of the Raven Cycle: suffocating, involved, nonverbal, volatile. This is not necessarily the best or easiest way to friendship, but this is how I do friendship. I’m all in or all out; I know in theory there is a point to shades-of-gray in this department, but I have not in 34 years been able to train myself to see it.

So if this sounds like a bad idea to you, do not listen to anything I have to say after this. If this sounds like a great idea — bring on the pain and joy, you say — let’s proceed.

The most common relationships are often relationships of circumstance. You go to the same school. You live next door. You do the same activity. You are in the same major. You have the same job. You are part of the same fandom. You both come to the same graveyard to perform your Samhain rituals. Circumstance. Terminal differences in principles or methods of communication fester in the organs but do not kill the patient because the shared circumstance masks the symptoms. If the circumstance is all that holds you together, when things change, slow death of the friendship begins.

I’m no longer interested in these friendships. I now call them acquaintances, and I’m friendly with these folks, but I don’t expect to have the same emotional intimacy with them that I expect from my friends..  

Here’s what I now require from my friendships:

1) a common outlook on the world. All of my close friends share a sort of intense curiosity about life, a live-and-let-live tolerance of other humans, a sense of humor about themselves, an unflagging interest in the truth, and a desire to continually better themselves in some way or another. They’re all kind. They try. That’s all the commonality I require from them; no other circumstance needs to line up. 

2) A genuine and equal fondness for me. I’m not going to chase. I’m too old to chase. I respect my own time too much to chase. I don’t need my friends to show their friendship in the same way I do, but I need them to be equally invested, or just — whatever. Talk to you later, bro. 

3) A shared method of communication. This part is crucial. Because circumstances will change, and people will move, and time zones are a bitch. Every friend I have knows that I’m not going to answer long emails nor pick up my phone and speak into it unless I’ve lost a limb. They know to find me in person, in a text, or on chat. Not everyone communicates the same way: your friendships will last longer if you make them with people who use the same channels.

4) Trust. I want to be able to trust them and vice versa, and I also want to know that if someone else meets one of my friends knowing that they are my friend, that that means that third party can also trust them. My band of friends might be assholes, but they’ll make sure you get home safely if your car breaks down.

Here is how I make my friends now:

1) I love myself. Look, this is a hard step. But once you’re confident that you’re a work-in-progress that you like working on, once you believe that you’re someone people would want to spend time with, people in fact want to spend time with you. There is nothing more irresistible than a weird person who doesn’t need you — who only wants you.

2) I ask. If I meet someone I click with, I tell them. Last year I met a friend by saying “we’re going to be friends for life.”* Last week I emailed someone and said “we’re clearly going to be friends so you might as well add me to your chat list, here’s an invite.” I’m done with the will-they?-won’t-they? nonsense. Let’s do this thing, or not do this thing, but no hanging out in the middle. We all march closer to death every day and this time spent waffling and wondering if we’re going to work is time we could be spending finding out if we agree on how cool raccoon hands are.

*this method is featured and demonstrated in The Raven King, try it at home, it’s fun and easy

My adult friendships are superior in every way to my teen friendships, because they’re stronger and more ferocious and more rooted in both parties understanding the other on a basic level. Circumstances don’t shift them. Time elapsed between visits doesn’t weaken them. 

So go out there, tiger, and fetch you some new friends. Cast the net wide. They could be anybody.

urs,

Stiefvater