An open letter to Virgin mega-billionaire Richard Branson

Dear Ricky,

You and I are going to be best friends soon, so I may as well dispense with the formalities. Anyway, you don't really expect people to call you Sir Richard, do you? I hope you're not like a certain over-sensitive Liverpudlian lounge lizard who once played in a band.

You are probably wondering why someone as famous as I is writing to you. Well, I'll tell you. I read in the paper this week that you are planning to create a leper colony on one of your islands in the Caribbean. Ow...