It's Always a Monday....

In the backwash of the wave of affliction am I no more. The current has shifted, life has ebbed and affliction is abound. 
It is a familiar feeling, a familiar existence—yet resented all the same. Full of envy and regret, I sit as I reflect on the last few years—affliction free, blissfully forgettable & under appreciated. 
My friend walks free and full of life. My life is secure. The future is promising. 
Freed from affliction I sat at times bored, senses dulled by the mundanity. It was easy to focus on the little things, and suburbia was a mindless playground of needless worry.
Time moves, the world course corrects and before I know it affliction is calling my number for another round. 
Loss is synonymous with affliction. It represents itself in a thousand disguises but always present at the core. 

Clouded with the false hope for a new beginning white washed of the past, I had put our reminder of great loss—the white speckled egg—not away, but out of open sight. No longer predominately displayed the little clay egg sat mostly hidden for 18 months—a rebellion to affliction and an outward expression of my desire to stay affliction free. It was a new house, a new chapter…. 
Had I forgotten? Did I want to forget by moving his remains from sight? Had I not before held, loved and kissed a son before Zev: all so briefly that it felt like a distant nightmare of my imagination. 
While every fiber of my being still remembers those moments, I wanted to seize the affliction-free year wholly and with as much innocent glee as possible. It has been so long since I felt so secure, so fulfilled and so safe; I didn't want the reminder of darker times. But as if part of me knew the wave was cresting, I moved the egg out front and center once more. 
Not until today did I know why. And as much as loss is synonymous with affliction, adaptability is synonymous with recovery. As loss greets us for another dance into affliction, I see the little white egg as a reminder of both the loss and of the recovery. I see the experiences of the past, the affliction free years, and now I see our new wave of challenges crash into the forefront of our lives. 

Today, I lost a friend and the world lost a remarkable, kind, spirited soul. Caught up in my own affliction, I tossed the dice and gambled with time. I bet against the unknown, God, the unpredictability of life and shamefully assumed there would always be tomorrow. 
It was far too great of a gamble, and with a deep sadness I missed my goodbyes with a beautiful friend. If I had only known…. 
But don’t we all know the fragility of life? Aren’t we all gambling with it each and every day? We expect to have a healthy baby in nine months time. We expect our loved ones will arrive home as safely as they left. We feel entitled for tomorrow and with that entitlement we put today’s gift of life on tomorrow. 
While the wave of affliction is back on various levels in my own life, I am desperate for time— time with loved ones, times of security, times without affliction. But as I sit desperate for time, the little white egg is not far from view— a reminder of loss and a reminder of the recovery: the deepest sorrow, the gratitude of perspective and the blessed reminder of surviving the seemingly worst days of life. 

For my friend, you are already profoundly missed. Deeply saddened and deeply regretful… I let life delay a visit with you— I wanted a goodbye. I wanted more time with you. I didn’t know our last exchange was to be our last. Time passed all too suddenly, and life changed all too quickly. 

For my readers, the hardest challenge is to look our fears straight on and to deal with them. Affliction is our tool: the painful reminders, the difficult path, the opportunity for growth, perspective and the road to honest gratitude. As I sign my books, “May we always find a love for our afflictions.” As the waves crash may we remind ourselves of our own survivability, afflictions’ gifts and the equally blessed affliction-free backwash that will eventually come—serving as our respite and reflection. 

Much love.