Outer v. Inner

A long time since I've been here. And that's because the outer world, the world of work, people to be seen, jobs to be done in the house (and garden – spring is springing!), has exerted a stronger pull than the inner, private world where writing, including this blog, happens. It's a continuous balancing act and sometimes, as lately, the balance tips too far in one direction.

This has happened largely because the fantasy I was idly indulging over Christmas of extending the house has taken several steps nearer reality. This has involved measuring, drawing plans, talking to architects, revising ideas, re-drawing plans and taking decisions. All very exciting and scary.

In the process, never one to do things by halves, I haven't been able to visit friends without measuring their dining rooms, their utility rooms, their cloakrooms and examining their kitchen drawers and cupboards. In short I have become an Extension Bore.

Of course the prospect of more space and more conveniences (a dish-washer!) is enticing. And of course it needs to be thought about. And yet…and yet….

Deep down I know that part of the reason for this obsession with measurements and scale drawings is that I am Between Books. And that is not a comfortable place to be.

It's not that I haven't got any ideas – notions sprout at odd moments, nudging themselves into my mind, especially when I'm not trying. But I haven't let myself be still, enter into that inner space where the sprouts might grow. Instead I'm running away from it. And I know why. It's because I'm afraid.

Strange, isn't it, to be afraid of what you want? And I do want it. I miss it, and I know that creating an extension can never be as deeply satisfying as writing. But something – fear of commitment? fear of failure? – has kept me turned towards the outer world.

Perhaps it's time to stop running, to give myself space and time, to turn my gaze inward.

This is a start, of sorts.

Outer v. Inner is a post from: Jane Eagland

©2011 Jane Eagland. All Rights Reserved.

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