taking criticism

Today I took 15 to a voice lesson with a new and quite expensive voice teacher almost an hour away from our house. This is her third lesson, and I know very, very little about music, so I tend to bring a book to read. Is this bad of me? I listen in a little, but it's not MY music lesson and I'm a busy person. Plus, I like to read.

Anyway, I listened in on the conversation and afterward told my daughter that at 15, she was really mature to be able to handle that level of criticism. She would sing a few lines, and then he would stop her, tell her what she had done wrong. She would nod her head, say "I know." Then he would have her do an exercise to try to get her to the right place in her voice. And she would sing again. He would stop her again, tell her she wasn't quite there, and over and over again, the same two lines for most of the lesson (after some warmup exercises).

15's response was, where was the criticism? That was just him helping me.

And that said pretty much everything that needed to be said. Of course this is true. We are paying him money to get his opinion. Of course, he isn't trying to hurt her feelings. He wouldn't be teaching lessons unless he actually cared about helping people improve their music. I don't believe even the amount of money we pay him is enough to compensate him fully for his time. I'm sure he gets paid more for a lot of other things he does.

But how many times have you heard teenagers or even adults respond to criticism with either complete collapse or an argument about how you are wrong. The thing is, neither of these is helpful in the least. Of course, no one wants to collapse. It's a reaction to an overwhelmed feeling of never being able to see enough progress. And I'm sure that people who argue are just trying to figure out what they are doing wrong. Maybe. But if you can be at the place where you don't even see it as criticism, but as someone who is helping you to get better, that makes a huge difference.

As someone who does critiques in many situations, I can't tell you how annoying it is if someone argues. Or how horrible I feel when someone reacts with tears or absolute silence and despair. But the problem is that in both of these situations, I stop with my advice. I figure they're not ready to hear it. I am so not interested in arguing with someone and proving that I know what I am talking about. I'd rather give the money back for the critique (not a smart business move, I know) and then never have to speak to that person again. I don't want my time wasted. If you're not ready to hear, you're not ready to hear. It's not about me. It's about you.

I suppose that last is a phrase I have been using more and more. That, and my tendency to diagnose people with mental illnesses as an attempt to let go of whatever anger they have stirred up in me. If I were a doctor, I'm afraid I would just be dispensing prescriptions left and right to everyone I met at church, at school, and out shopping. Also, on-line.