T&T Relationship Edition

Corry wrote:   Hi Gail!, Love your show, its a complete eye opener, I do have a question that I have yet to see here, I was on my own for almost 10 yrs after my divorce, in that time I have racked up about $13000 in debt, just doing stupid stuff, now to the problem, I remarried and have a hell of a time opening up to my new wife about my past spending habits, I figure it's my mistake I'll fix it, but that's not flying with her, I'm just so used to doing it by myself, how do I open up and let her in?  That wall is causing some major problems in our young marriage, how did you do it?

Gail says:  Your wife is a smart woman.  She shouldn't settle for anything but the utmost honesty from you.  If you plan to share a life together, it has to be based on trust.  And you can't trust someone who is keeping secrets.

How to do it?  Well, there are a bunch of ways.  You could just sit down and have the talk.  But it sounds like you're having a major problem with that.  Why not tell her how difficult this is for you, and offer to write a letter explaining what happened and what you're going to do about it.  Tell her, once you've made your disclosure, you'd be happy to answer her questions and talk about it some more, but that this will help you climb over the wall.

And then, dear one, you actually have to follow through.  Make a plan for getting rid of the debt and bust your butt to get it done.  Write the letter and actually give it to her.  Hug her and kiss her and thank her for her patience and love.  If she is your life mate, she'll accept that people make mistakes and she'll applaud your willingness to take care of the problem yourself.  And she'll know she can trust you because you are an honest person.

Tina wrote:  I watch your show 'Till Debt do us part' and I have bought your books.  I absolutely find you addicting.  My question is…how do I keep my husband on the same track as me?  I am a saver and we do good for awhile, then my husband (Aaron) gets it in his head that why make it if you cant spend it.  He then goes hog wild buying stuff.  He doesn't want to hear my nagging at him anymore, so what can I do?  Any suggestions?

Gail says:  Hide the money!  Separate your savings so he doesn't feel so rich so quickly. If you have one account for savings, one for emergencies, one for…whatever…then he'd have to work to add them together to feel rich. Also keep your savings separate from his so you don't suffer when he goes spending. And every time he spends money allocated to savings, stop cooking until the savings are back up to where they were. Don't say anything, just stop cooking (or cleaning, or whatever your job is at home). Partnership means respecting both people's issues. One guy doesn't have the right to ignore the other's needs.

JW wrote:  My husband and I have just entered a mortgage in March for our home we built ourselves and at the same time we had a baby, who is just about to turn one year old. I am the person in the relationship that controls/manages the money. I keep a close track of all spending done out of all accounts. Recently he and I had to have another conversation about his spending habits as they were about to put us into debt.

We agreed that we would each get $100 a week as spending money and $100 a week on gas. I think this is more than reasonable and should be something that he can sustain; however it's not. I am constantly having to remind him that we have to pay bills and daycare with the money that he is spending in addition to his $200/wk. We even made a separate account where his money is transferred so when the money is gone it is gone, but lately he's gone back to dipping into the other account.

I am starting to run out of options and resources, I can't keep giving myself less for spending each week so that he can still live his "lavish" spending style. He does some work for cash every now and again, as he is a mechanic, so he does get pocket money that is not part of his weekly allowance.

I use part of my weekly allowance for parking at work and the other half I will use for what ever I want. He smokes so between that and some meals at lunch (he is NOT a lunch maker we've tried that) he uses all his money easily.

I don't know how much more detail you would require, but mainly my question is how can I manage our money better and get to the point where I do not have to supervise him like a child for every cent that he spends as it's straining our marriage?

Gail says:  The issue here is that your husband has to grow the hell up and stop putting indulgences like ciggies and lunch ahead of important things like keeping a roof over his head and food in his baby's tummy. Acting like your partner's parent isn't the solution to the problem. You are going to have to get him to agree to take his name off the "house" account from which the bills are paid so he no longer has access to that money. If he refuses to acknowledge that his behaviour is putting your family at risk, you are going to be in a tough spot and will have to make some hard decisions. I don't envy you. And I wish I had some magic words to wake him up. Unfortunately, I've met loads of people who are completely delusional about how their behaviour is negatively impacting the people around them and there is no magic. If you can't wake him up, you have a long and very miserable road ahead of you.

S wrote:  First of all you are my heroine!  I am a social worker and when I work with individuals or couples who are having difficulties with money, I send them to the Slice website to watch your show. (for free – how great is that!)  I also send my colleagues there and I have your books and loan them out.  I love how you have connected money to the individual issues or marriage problems and that it is not just a lack of budgeting skills.  So true!

I have a question for you.  I am fifty years old and my partner is 7 years older and will retire in 2 years.  Not much personal debt – about $5,000 that will be paid off in a year.  We have about 7 years left on our mortgage.  Not bad for only being married ten years and owning this home as we have added extra payments when we can.  Anyway I am thinking about going into private social work practice but before that I want to take an art therapy post graduate program (I have my MSW) that costs $17,000 plus two trips to Vancouver.  I would do this program and work at the same time.  I only work four days per week as my parents are not well and I care for them too.  I therefore make about $45,000 and my partner will make about $1,400 on pension plus he plans on working a minimum wage job to supplement.  BUT, he does not want me to take $17,000 out of my retirement savings (borrow for education) and believes I am crazy at my age to do this program.  I plan on working for at least another 15 or 20 years as I had a late start in the work sector (age 30) and I was once on welfare and a single parent!).  Am I crazy to take out such a large amount of money to become educated in a post grad program at my age?  The prospects for future business are excellent – very few art therapists where I live and those that do have a 6 month wait list.  So am I crazy?  Also, I love art so it's not a whim – it's a passion!  Thanks to you, my heroine!

Gail says:  Sometimes couples are at different stages of their lives and one can't imagine what the other is thinking. It may be that because your husband is thinking "full retirement" he cannot imagine why you are in a completely different head-space. Be gentle. But you have to be the one who makes this decision. Life is about joy and a sense of fulfillment. Money is about living within your means. If you can figure out how to have both, you've got the world on a string. Check out the Lifelong Learning plan and how you may be able to use some of your RRSP money to pay tuition without having to pull the money and pay taxes. Then look at how much more money you'll make with your new degree (along with the satisfaction you'll derive from following your bliss) and weigh that against the financial cost. Good luck.

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