If I had a Unicorn (NaPoWriMo #19)

If I had a Unicorn

 

If I had a unicorn,

My life would be complete.

I'd give him oats and sugar cubes

And Honey Smacks to eat.

I'd dress him in the finest

Onitsuka Tiger kicks.

He'd be an awesome ax-man

With tasty, rockin licks.

 

If I had a unicorn,

He'd teach me how to sail.

We'd ride the Seven Seas

In our ship "The Beagle Tale".

We'd loot and pillage towns,

But always in the best of taste.

We'd drink whiskey day and night

And never wish we'd better paced.

 

If I had a unicorn,

I wouldn't have to go to work.

I'd quit that shit lickity split,

And make my boss feel like the jerk.

Our exit would leave a sparkle trail

That would never fade.

Then we'd head down to the mall

And beat each game in the arcade.

 

If I had a unicorn,

He'd be a poker king.

He'd go all-in on off-suit cards

And win your wedding ring.

He'd be adept at opera

And quote Whitman every morn.

He'd play Brahms on his dulcimer,

Then make a sex joke about his horn.

 

If I had a unicorn,

He'd teach me magic tricks.

He'd also rule at juggling

And using devil-sticks.

He'd leap me over puddles,

And just because he's nice,

He'd give me hunks of hock to sell

For a lavish price.

 

If I had a unicorn,

I'd probably change my name

To "That Chick With A Unicorn

And Legendary Game."

I'd turn a major profit

On all my published books,

All thanks to my unicorn

With his persuasive/stabby looks.

 

If I had a unicorn,

I wouldn't need to write this rhyme.

He'd write it better than I could,

Being in his poet prime.

The stanzas would be wittier

Than the ones I penned.

Best of all, my unicorn

Would never write an end.