The Tao of Steve

Please, please, please don't hit on me…

I don't normally go out much, at least not around strangers. But for the last few days, I've been at Romance Times Booklovers Convention mingling with all manner of unwashed masses. (Hey, I barely had time to shower myself!) In the process I've re-learned some things I'd forgotten about men.

A surprisingly large percentage of them don't know shit about women.

I brought the bad behavior on myself by deciding to go platinum blonde. I wanted to do something fun, playful, attention-grabbing. Let me tell you– it grabs attention, alright! This hair may be a little more car than I can handle. It's like walking around with a "hit on me" siren attached to my head.

Of course, the cover models at RT are paid to hit on us, God bless their souls. But I wouldn't mind dialing down the amount of attention I'm getting otherwise. There's some kind of sheet metal recyclers convention at the hotel– guys who seem *really* excited about the romance writers.

At 38, I'm too old for this crap. I'm long past sick of men who think they can intimidate me into liking them. Men who come on too strong, who think putting me down counts as flirting, who get aggressive when I resist their advances. Men who turn around and blame my outfit for their bad behavior. I was over that kind of thing in Junior High School.

Unlike in romance novels, where pushy, single-minded heroes often do overcome a heroine's defenses, in real life those guys are just jerks. (In my opinion. Some women may love that kind of thing.)

So on the odd chance you're a man and reading my blog, I will explain to you the simplest way possible to attract women. It's called The Tao of Steve.

(Yes, from the movie. For a longer version, go watch the movie.)

The rules are as follows:

1. Be desireless.

2. Be excellent.

1. Be gone.

An explanation:

1. Be desireless: Nothing turns a woman off more than a guy making it obvious he wants to have sex with her. If you know each other, and you've had a flirtation going for a while, you could drop A HINT. But believe me when I say that playing it cool draws more female attention than following girls around like a hound dog. It may not get you laid, but at least you won't have smart, attractive women hiding in their rooms blogging about how much they dislike you.

2. Be excellent: OMG. So, so true! Nothing impresses me more than a man who's good at something. It almost doesn't matter what that thing is. You can dance well, or have interesting things to say about Greek plays or ancient Russian literature. You can tell me all you know about publishing, or introduce me to fun people. You can be an EXCELLENT conversationalist. Heck, I get off on IT nerds!

A man who can't think of anything whittier to say than, "Hey, nice tits" likely has an IQ almost as small as his penis.

3. Be gone: Be gone, be gone, be gone. For the love of Pete– if you're talking to me, I genuinely hope you have something better to do after. Some other friend you'd like to see, another event to attend. I'm not saying a guy should be an ass. If you're flirting with a girl and she seems interested, by all means– keep talking! But if you've just met, and the woman was kind enough to smile, say hello, allow you to do your little charm thing– have the fricking grace to back the hell off!

I had a guy hit on me while I was sitting at the expo for fuck's sake. I couldn't leave! And he just stood there and stood there staring at me and asking me questions. I almost had to ask him to go away. Ew! Creepy!

In closing, none of these behaviors would get a man between my legs because I'm married. But I don't think most of the guys coming on too strong expect to get laid. I think they just want to talk to a lady with blonde hair. They want me to smile and be nice and make them feel good about themselves. And that's fine. But men have to understand– even to get that much good graces from me, they need to get their act together.

Be desireless, be excellent, be gone. I promise you– it works every time!