focus and fear

my superpower has always been thus: i know, unquestionably and unwaveringly, what i want.  it's always been writing.  it's always been YA.  i'm specific, i am consistent.  i am the horse with the blinders that poops in the street because frankly, it doesn't care about anything else.

i've lost some of that.  mostly because there's not just one thing i care about (besides not defecating in public).  i want to write; i want to be a successful author.  i also want to mentor and inspire young writers and young women.  i also want to make SCARLET the best it can be; i also want enough money to, you know, pay bills and stuff.

un/fortunately, i also have a lot of opportunities to do all of these.  between writing, my night job, working with Boston GLOW (what was that?  you heard the IGNITE Change awards banquet is coming up on tuesday?  SO IT IS!), and of course, finishing up copy edits, my focus is frayed.

and thus, i'm afraid.  i think, as is the fear of any busy person, i'm worried that with so many things calling my attention, i'm not going to do any of them well.  i'm afraid that i won't think of something brilliant and crucial to promote my book.  i'm afraid thinking about these other things will not allow me the mental capacity to write.  i'm scared that what i'm doing with glow isn't going to be effective, and isn't going to be enough.

so i work harder.  i try to do more, and yet, in many ways, this intensifies the fears.  and then i put on lea michele and let her ask me, "what do you do when your good isn't good enough?" and i wonder.

the worst part is that i won't get any answers.  ever, probably.  i don't know if i'll have the divine luxury of looking back and saying, if only i spent five more minutes doing this, then my book sales/career/prospects/mentoring relationship would have turned out differently.

will i?

::sigh::