A Note to Junk Mail Senders

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I just had thought. Please feel free to print this letter out and mail it to any company sending you junk mail. I'm sure it's probably legal.

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[YOUR NAME]
[YOUR ADDRESS]


Dear [COMPANY NAME],

Great news! I have decided to start an "Advertising Mail Review Service". Do you want to find out what consumers really think of your unsolicited mails? Well, now you can! At a bargain cost of only £999 per mailing*, I will produce a one page report telling you exactly what I, as a weary consumer, think of it. The report will cover every aspect of your communication, including impact and spelling.

So how do you become eligible for this amazing offer?

It's easy! You don't have to do a thing. All unsolicited junk mail I receive after [TODAY'S DATE], will be eligible. Indeed, to make the process as simple as possible for you, I will consider every single piece of unsolicited junk mail that I receive from you after the 10th April 2011 to be a formal request to engage my services. Please remember only to send me advertising mail if you agree to pay the £999* report fee. You can opt out of this service at any time -- simply stop sending me endless mounds of flipping junk.

Thank you,

[YOUR NAME].


*excluding VAT.

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(If this fails, the alternative might be to see if its possible to get your name on every junk mailing list in the country, thereby receiving enough paper to fuel a wood burning stove for the entire winter. Just a thought.)