Rite of Spring
Yeah, it's Spring. Oh, you might be having blizzards or you might've hit the 100-degree mark and had a mosquito sighting, but March madness is underway, chocolate rabbits and matzoh are front and center at the market, and Harley, Heather and Hank engage in serious philosophical discussions about this controversial season.
Q: What does Spring remind you to do?
Harley: Sign up the kids for summer camps. Because 6 minutes after school's out, it's their cue to say, "I'm so bored. There's nothing to do." They always assure me that it won't happen, but it always happens.
Heather: Try to figure out Chynna's spring break, Derek's spring break, and 
Easter. And Spring seems to begin the "initial" season of conferences . . . RT, RWA, BEA, HWA . . . ALA in there somewhere. I lose track!
Hank: You know, when I was a kid, the time went by so slowly. Now, it just races. (Is there some sort of theory of aging relativity?) So at times, spring reminds me that winter is over and the time is going by and I just want to hold onto it. But then the crocuses come up, and the tulips, and our wild ducks return to the pool in our back yard, and it starts to smell good outside, all lilacs and dogwood---and I think, okay. It's how the universe works.
Harley: Hank, how do you deal with duck poop? Have we discussed this?
Q: Spring Cleaning?
Hank: Um, what? Fine, I put away my heavy boots, and take my coats to the dry cleaners. And I call the window-washing guys. Because really? Clean windows are fantastic, but I'm not gonna do it myself.
Harley: I change Bob, the family mannequin, from his winter tuxedo to his summer outfit of swimming trunks and tank top.
Heather: Nothing, sadly. Every day of every season is trying to remember what might be under what was last tossed down.
Q: Does the phrase "swimsuit season" strike fear into your heart?
Heather: I live in Miami! It's always swimsuit season here, even for the hefty gentlemen in Speedos and thongs who . . . well, who should never be in thongs. This goes for a number of women as well. But, hey, if they're happy, that's great!
Hank: Dying. I have bathing suits from—Land's End. Tankinis. I love them. But I am never trying on or buying another bathing suit in my life. Why do that? Why look in one of those mirrors that's designed to make you look fat (why would they do that?) and all green in the fluorescent lighting? NO. I'm done with buying bathing suits.
Harley: "Swimsuit season" is a marketing ploy to make me buy some weight-loss product or join a gym. Are there people who look at their watch and say, "well, time to get in shape"? And then in the fall, do those same people say, "okay, time to pig out"?
Q: Gardening?
Harley: I just keep watering things and hope for the best.
Heather: I live in south Florida. Stuff just grows--unless I try to touch it.
Hank: Okay. Our gardens are really beautiful. I wish you could all come visit. 
Tulips and lilacs and pale pink roses and lavender and pink thyme… How they all get so lush and gorgeous is a blog for another day. Okay?
Q: Allergies?
Hank: To everything. The trees start to bloom, I start to sneeze. Grass? Forget it. When I was growing up, my dad had a cool riding mower and one day I mowed the front lawn into the shape of the United States—I mean, why not?—and got in a lot of trouble. But the point is, I spent the next two days in bed with an allergy attack. So that was the end of that. Now I take a lot of Allegra.
Harley: None, thank God.
Heather: Cats. But, hey, they're here. It's Cat Season all year round.
Q: Easter candy-Peeps?
HANK: Disgusting. But funny.
HEATHER: They're marshmallow, right? Don't care for marshmallow, so it doesn't matter if they're chicks, rabbits, or big pink and yellow blobs.
Harley: No Peeps. However, and despite being a vegetarian, I am obsessed with frosted animal cookies.
Q: Spring Break?
HANK: It wasn't a big deal when I was in high school. I stayed home. Going to Cancun in a bikini and getting crazy on beer? My parents would have killed me, but, sadly, it would never have crossed my mind to do it.
HARLEY: I don't think Spring Break had been invented when I was young.
HEATHER: I don't really remember spring break. I'm sure that it became spring, and that we broke!
HANK: Never.
HARLEY: No. Boring.
HEATHER: When I was a kid, we were always in the water, and we even oiled our bodies. Now, they know heavy exposure causes skin cancer, so I certainly never try to tan. I scuba dive, but I actually wear a light skin, even in summer. (Keeps jellyfish from your flesh!)
Q: Stockings or bare legs?
Heather: Legs. Spring means that in a few months, well be sweltering. And we don't cool off much at night, and stockings just add to the--sweltering.
HANK: Legs, because I guess that's hip. Don't laugh, but I wish stockings would come back.
Harley: When I did TV and we had scenes with skin, they'd always slap a whole lotta body makeup on us. I could use some of that now. After my twins were born, I got blue veins in my thighs. Sexy, huh?
